Wednesday, December 22, 2010


It hurts. A lot. It's been weeks since I'm walking around with this large, empty hole in my chest. And it's not getting better. I'm suffering. I can't stand the pain anymore, I can't fight. I'm not strong enough, I'm not strong at all. I am weak and always will be. When the tears dry new ones wet my cheeks, new ones soak my pillow. Memories cut deep my already broken heart, my shattered heart. It's in a million pieces and each one belongs to you. If only you would take them all with you.
You left so suddenly, I wasn't prepared, but I could never be prepared, I could never forget. I will never forget. When you left you disapeared. I can't find you, I've tried. When you left, happiness left me too, it will never come back and you will be lost forever. I know I can't change anything, but I will die trying. I wish I could turn back time and live in the past, 'cause I can't face the future without you. You left me alone, you left my soul die.
It hurts so much to wake up alone. I can't look at the things you left behind, it's too hard, but sometimes, I take them out from where I've hid them and try to remember your scent, I try to remember the feeling when you held me in you arms, when you breathed on my neck, when you whispered 'I love you'. And then I cry. I cry for long, lonely hours and scream until I fall asleep. And when I wake up at night and see that I am so alone in this world, a part of me dies. And now every part of me is dead and I wish I could drawn in my own tears, I wish I would never wake up. I wish I was dreaming you still needed me and the dream would never end. Because I know that in reality that dream would never come true.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Tell them

Look into my tired eyes and tell my story. Share my secrets. Reveal my thoughts. Show them what I have to hide. Look carefully. Can you see my soul? Can you see my heart? Is it broken or is it still beating? Is there any love inside me? Or is there hate? What kind of person am I? Am I good or am I bad? Have I sinned? You know we all have. Are my sins forgiven? Am I forgiven? Look inside me. Every dark corner, every hidden thought. Look behind the shadows, 'cause what's in the spotlight is only half true. Or maybe lies. Maybe I'm full of lies. Then what is true? Search for the truth. There is a truth behind every single lie I make. Tell them the truth. You tell them, 'cause I never will. I've never had.
Look more carefully. And tell everyone. Tell them while I'm hiding my eyes behind the tears. Shout it out if you have to. But I won't listen. I will hide. And I will drawn in my tears not even bothering to try gasping for air. It won't matter anymore if they knew the truth.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Your burning touch

I see my breath hanging in the cold morning air. The sun is gone, it's been a while since I felt the sun gently touching my skin, warming me, calming me. But I don't need no sun. I've got you. You're not only warming me, you're making me feel hot, you make me feel safe and protected. I know it can be difficult with me, but you seem to manage it. And you manage it perfectly. Everything about you attracts me to you, you're like a magnet and I can only let myself been drawn to you. You are my gravity, my reality. I don't need dreams when reality is much better than any dream I've had before.
Every time you kiss me, my lips are set on fire and every time you smile, my heart is burning too. Just a single touch makes my skin burn. Just a single look makes me smile. And just a single word makes my heart fly. I wish that every morning I woke up next to you. The distance can be hard to bare, but I can manage it, I am strong. And so are you. You're stronger, a lot stronger than me.
Tonight I'll go to sleep and dream of your kisses. I miss them. I miss you. I know you do too. But I can wait. For you I am ready to do everything. And I mean it.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Kiss me and say goodbye

Things are happening too fast. I don't know you that long, but you act like we're a couple. But we're not. And I don't like that you try to control me. I can't be controlled. I live beyond the borders. Although it feels so great when we are together. It doesn't feel like that when we are separate. You call me too often. Even at night. You woke me up at 5am. And you ask me why I turned off my phone? I can't live like this. Because of you I don't get to see my friends. I am late for school and I can't do my homework. You keep me up at nights. I know it feels so right when I fall asleep next to you. And when I wake up and see your eyes still so dreamy, but focused on mine. It feels so great when you kiss me, when you smile, when you hold me in your arms, when you say you want me. I want you too, but not like this. Not all the time, not every night. I have a life too, I can't always be there for you. I have obligations, I can't keep living like this. When I think of it, I really don't want to do this, but this must end. We can't be together. It will be hard for me to say goodbye, but next time you call, I will tell you everything. I don't want you to hate me, I don't. But I don't want you to love me. I can't be loved. This must end. Before I can admit that I might actualy be in love with you.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Bring back the memories

Tonight after a jog in the dark. I was siting on the stairs outside and watching around. I remember seeing this view with child eyes. Everything has changed. But deep inside I know that nothing has changed, I'm the one who's changed. I've grown up. And now I saw the same things with adults eyes. Where did the little boy in the old pictures go? Is he still somewhere buried deep inside me? Or is he gone? Tonight I want to bring him out, to run freely and laugh, to play hide and seek, to play ball, act childish, I want to smile for no reason, I want to live like this once again. Where did all my friends go? I still have two childhood friends and they are the best ones. But where did the rest of them go? Right now I want to see them all and play in the sandbox. I miss my bright blond hair I had then. And those bright eyes. I miss the energy I had. I miss me. Will I ever see him again? That little boy. Will he ever come back? Is he still a part of me? I know I ask a lot of questions, but it's because I don't have the answers.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Never believe me.

I wish I could tel you the truth.
I wish you would understand.
But you won't believe me.
No one believes in the truth.
Everyone wants to hear lies.
And that's what I've become.
A liar.
I am a liar.
I lie.
To you, to them, to myself.
I lie.
I always lie.
But I wish things were different.
I wish things were right.
Truth complicates everything.
But I can fix it with a single lie.
And so I lie, Again and again.
I never stop.
I never will.
The truth is too painful, even to me.
So we live in the world of lies.
The lies made by me and you.
I know you lie too.

Thursday, July 15, 2010


The world could stay silent. Just for a while. The cool air feels refreshing on my sun tanned skin. The darkness blindfolds me, all I can see is a distant streetlight. I breath in the fresh air and close my eyes. I feel like in a forest. The scent of trees wraps around me. I listen. There's nothing to hear, only the sound of my beating heart. The world could always stay this silent, I'm tired from the noise. My ears can rest. I look at the sky. Is it always this beautiful? The moon is as bright as my soul. The stars form in different shapes. I could look at them for eternity, but still notice new drawings. Yes, the sky is like a drawing. The most beautiful of them all and it's not man-made. I can still feel the scent of the rain. It's my favorite scent in the world. Just minutes ago the tender raindrops were touching my skin, soaking me, calming me. I hope the rain will come back. I'll wait for it. And when it will return, I'll smile to the sky, thanking it for this moment.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Not the same me

Some of my so called "old friends" have started to write and call me. And I hate it. I have changed and those are the people I don't want in my life anymore. I remember those dark, depressive days and I don't want to return and I don't want to see anyone I considered my "friend" at that time. Leave me alone, let me go on with my life, I won't let you drag me down, not again, not ever. I'm not the same person, not the same Aleksis. Don't bother and never even remember me.
"I've got a new world in my view". Like the lyrics of the song. I have completely changed in the last two years, I'm not the same person, I don't even look like the old me. I have deleted that part of my life and it does not feel good to remember and those people really don't get it that we have nothing in common? Nothing at all! I'm on the right path now and I'm not stepping off of it, I know my goals and I'm gonna reach them, I won't let anyone stand in my way. The life I had is not the one I want, but trust me, no one will drag me back! I'm strong and I can make the right decisions.

Monday, June 14, 2010

I'm not dead, I'm busy

I am so sorry for not posting for so long, but I have been so busy with my studies and exams and everything, but I've finally got myself together for this article. A lot has happened lately. Really A LOT. I've gone through lots of ups and downs, but it finally seems that everything in life is starting to find it's place. Life is like a roller coaster one minute you're up there and the next one you're going down. I feel peaceful, I know it's only temporary, but at least for a moment I can sit down and relax. It actually feels weird to have free time, I'm used to the rush, to the never ending obligations. I can finally lay down and read a good book and it feels great! I'm enjoying the freedom while I still can, but I know that September will come fast and it's just gonna be more difficult next semester. There will be new people, new things, new problems. But I don't care, I'm strong, I will survive this. Right now I'm feeling enthusiastic, bring on the adventures! Bring it on! Let's see what this summer can offer me.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Regret nothing

I need to learn how not to regret things. I've done many things I'm not proud of in my life. I've made so many mistakes. Regret is the worst feeling. I wish I could turn back time and fix it all. Or if I could just forget everything. All the bad memories (believe me I've got many of them) I wish I could lock them in the deepest corner of my mind. But I can't run from the past. I need to find a way how to live with it.
But on the other hand we only live once. I shouldn't look back, only forward. I should be strong. Why is it so hard to forget the things that you want to forget the most? I wish my memories had a "Delete" button. "Play" and "Pause" would be great for the best ones.

I have to learn how to live with the past. Ok, it's not that bad, it's not like I have killed anyone or been in prison. But there is a part of my life that I am not proud of.

I promise myself to be strong, at least to try being strong. I'm gonna have a different look at the world. Everything happens for good, right? Then maybe everything is how it's supposed to be. We learn from our mistakes. I have much to learn, in that case, I'm a bad student. Writing this down is making me feel a lot better.

Despite this depressive post I am happy. There is someone who makes me smile all the time, the one will understand. ^^

Tuesday, April 27, 2010


Guess what? -I am not a robot.

People are waiting too much from me. Nobody is perfect, NOBODY. And I'm far from perfect. I'm tired of pretending to be someone who's not me. And you know what? I'm not gonna pretend just to get your appreciation. If you don't like me for who I am that is not my problem. I am an individuality, I never run after someone and I'm never gonna run after you. You have to realize it. Look at me, this is who I am, you can't change me. I'm like the wind. My body is here, but my mind likes to wander. I am so complicated and if someone will try to make a simpler version of me it's just not going to work like that. People should like each other of who they are, not to pretend who they're not. Nobody is perfect, you have to realize it, even you have imperfections. I know I have and a lot of them, but lets make those minuses into pluses. Without all those little imperfections I wouldn't be myself. That's what makes me an individuality. That's what makes us so different from each other.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Painkiller Overdose

I am so sorry for not posting for so long, but I have been super busy and I've still got so much left to do and time is not on my side, that's for sure. I am home and I will be here for a while. I'm skipping school for a week or so. What made me do this? -Pain.
I went to the dentist on Monday and obviously something went wrong and my whole jaw hurts so much. I can't speak or eat normally, I can't chew anything, I feel like a grandma. I'm on painkillers all the time, without them I would just die. It hurts so bad, I can't remember the last time when I was so desperate from pain. I just want it to stop. I just want to fall asleep and wake up and realize this is all just a bad dream. But even my dreams can't save me. I hate waking up in the middle of the night and taking painkillers just so I could fall back to sleep. I know I'm overdosing them, but I don't care. Can something bad happen if I overdose painkillers? That's the last thing on my mind right now, 'cause all I want is to get rid of the pain. Do I use the word 'pain' too much? If so, then I'm sorry if it annoys you, but please think how I feel. - Awful. My dentist said that
this is normal![I don't know if I can believe her] She said it will hurt for another week. I don't know if I will be able to suffer through this. Yes, 'suffer' is the real word how to describe my feelings. Please, pray for me..;D

Monday, April 5, 2010

I'm back on the road.

My Easter break has expired and I'm going back to the campus tonight. Damn, I really don't want to, but from the other hand I'm starting to miss Riga. Anyway, I probably won't be posting anything new for a week or so, but maybe I will, I don't know. I will miss you guys, I've started to really like blogging, it's addictive...;D


Sunday, April 4, 2010

Every Shade Of Gray

Sometimes I wish I could be gray. I wish I could hide, that no one would see me, I wish I could disappear. I wish I was in my own little world with my own rules and with my own understanding of what's right and what's wrong. But gray is the complete opposite of who I am and who I want to be. I always stand out in a crowd, I always take charge of everyone, I'm always the one who's everything but gray. I guess I'm just tired of it all and right now all I want is to REST! This year has been just too intense and I wish that I could just stop the time for a moment, or more than a moment. I just need a week or two off. I need some time for myself, I want to be more selfish and do things for me, not to others, I need to relax, I need to be the one who's standing aside. I want to be gray. Just for a moment, for a week or two, I need to disconnect from life around me and live just for myself. Is that really so selfish?

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Food is an addiction


Lately all I can think of is my weight. I feel fat. I just keep thinking about giving up food again, I've lost so much weight by not eating, but I don't want to end up in a hospital. Maybe the problem is in my head? I know I'll never be thin enough, but everyone keeps telling me that I look like a bulimic even now. Is it really possible that everyone is lying to me? Or is it all just in my head? You may think it's funny, that a boy is worrying about his weight and calories so much. But if you're learning in a school of Style and Fashion, it's impossible not to get these thoughts in your head, even if you're a boy.
After my friend got an operation, I'm really scared of giving up food once again, so that's why I've started to do much more sports, but this way of getting fit is much more slower. Anyway, tonight I'll go running and hopefully will get all these sick thoughts out of my head.
I remember times, when I stayed in my bed all day, just because I was too tired to go to school or stopping on the 2nd floor and standing there until I pull myself together and climb up to the 5th floor. I remember watching other people eat made me happy, 'cause they were getting fatter. How many times I have fainted and what I will never forget is the pain, the empty hole in my stomach, that feels impossible to be filled ever again. And on breaks, when everyone was eating, I was just sitting there with my big bottle of water and drinking it all the time. I remember those times of sudden weakness, when I started to eat, then regretted it and went to the toilet to get it all out. Yes, I admit it, I had an anorexia. I lost so much weight, before all that, I was so fat, I had size L, but now I've got size XS, that was my goal, I reached it. I regret nothing, otherwise I would still be fat.


Friday, April 2, 2010

Why are we so masochistic?

Why do we like to be afraid? What's wrong with us?

I like watching horror movies, I like to feel scared, feel the adrenalin rushing through my blood, I like the tension, it's like a drug. But why is that so?
Yesterday night I was watching "Meat Train" which was really scary and I started to think WHY AM I WATCHING THIS?!? It was so disgusting, but I kept watching. All the time I thought, that I will turn it off, but I didn't, I liked to feel the fear. And it made me think about this. Am I a masochist? And maybe in a way we all are. Even my mom kept watching "Meat Train" although she hated it and kept commenting what a awful movie this is. But she watched it to the end. And I can't figure out why is this happening? Why do we like to feel fear? Are we all really masochists? Is it because safe life is boring? we really need to feel threatened just to feel alive?

Thinking about this made me make my scariest horror film top 3:
  1. "Paranormal Activity" This movie has left a trauma in my memory, seriously. Me and my friends watched it at night, home alone, it was breathtaking.
  2. "Haunting In Connecticut" The same with this movie, only not so frightening
  3. "The Exorcism Of Emily Rose" I went to the movie alone years ago, but it's made a deep impression. Even now the scariest hour for me is 3AM.
So let's keep living our safe boring lives. ;)


Thursday, April 1, 2010

Funny how everything changes

It's Easter break. [well, not for me, but anyway I'm home all day 'cause I'm sick] I remember when I was younger [I know I'm still young ;D] I liked all the Easter traditions, like coloring eggs, battling with them and so on, but now it's just annoying. It was the same with Christmas, I used to like making ginger breads and pasties with my mom, but now, I'm just too tired for all that. Could this mean I'm all grown up?
It's funny how my thoughts have changed over the last few years, in this one especially. I just feel like I'm not the same person I was yesterday. And what will be tomorrow? And after a year? What will happen to my dreams and goals? Will I still try to fulfill them? Or will I have new ones? What will happen with my friends, it feels like I have nothing in common with some of them even now. Are they still my friends or maybe only persons to say "Hi!" to. I'm scared of loosing myself, I'm scared of becoming someone else, someone that's not me. But on the other hand, all I want is to be better and maybe I'm not good enough and I have to change everything about me? Who am I asking these questions to? Myself? You? If not, then who? I feel like I'm just screaming towards a dark abyss and all I can hear is my echo screaming back at me, but only louder. What if these changes are bad? What if I make the wrong decisions and ruin my life? And how am I supposed to know what is right and what's wrong?


Wednesday, March 31, 2010

My first blog entry!

I got bored and decided to make a blog, since I've always wanted my own blog.
I'll start by introducing myself.
My name is Aleksis, I'm 17. I live in Riga, Latvia.
I study hairstyling and I really love my profession, I want to be a fashion designer one day, it's my biggest dream.
I LOVE dancing hip-hop. I'm just a beginner, but I already dance quite good, I even participated in a contest and got to the semi final! [yay]

Anyway how do you like my blog? Boring, huh? Well, but not for long, I'll write about things I care about and hopefully things you are interested in. So just stay tuned! ;D