Saturday, April 3, 2010
Food is an addiction
Lately all I can think of is my weight. I feel fat. I just keep thinking about giving up food again, I've lost so much weight by not eating, but I don't want to end up in a hospital. Maybe the problem is in my head? I know I'll never be thin enough, but everyone keeps telling me that I look like a bulimic even now. Is it really possible that everyone is lying to me? Or is it all just in my head? You may think it's funny, that a boy is worrying about his weight and calories so much. But if you're learning in a school of Style and Fashion, it's impossible not to get these thoughts in your head, even if you're a boy.
After my friend got an operation, I'm really scared of giving up food once again, so that's why I've started to do much more sports, but this way of getting fit is much more slower. Anyway, tonight I'll go running and hopefully will get all these sick thoughts out of my head.
I remember times, when I stayed in my bed all day, just because I was too tired to go to school or stopping on the 2nd floor and standing there until I pull myself together and climb up to the 5th floor. I remember watching other people eat made me happy, 'cause they were getting fatter. How many times I have fainted and what I will never forget is the pain, the empty hole in my stomach, that feels impossible to be filled ever again. And on breaks, when everyone was eating, I was just sitting there with my big bottle of water and drinking it all the time. I remember those times of sudden weakness, when I started to eat, then regretted it and went to the toilet to get it all out. Yes, I admit it, I had an anorexia. I lost so much weight, before all that, I was so fat, I had size L, but now I've got size XS, that was my goal, I reached it. I regret nothing, otherwise I would still be fat.