Friday, November 18, 2011


As I was standing in the crowd, watching all the people smile, celebrating the independence day, looking happy, I realised something. Later, I was walking the crowded streets with a coffee in my hand, looking gorgeous, but alone. I felt completely alone. All this time I've been holding on to something that's long since over. Something that doesn't exist anymore, something that's only in my head. I've been telling myself lies, although I knew the truth all the time, I didn't want to admit it. As hard as it is, but I have to move on. I have to stop torturing myself. And although it hurts like hell, but I have to let you go, completely let go.
From time to time I read the old text messages and letters, I have to delete them. I have to delete the number from my speed dial. I have to get rid of it all.
I need a new start, something new, someone fresh. I need someone to help me forget. I need to look forward. Move forward and not to look back.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

'Maybe' is enough for now

Tears started rolling down my cheeks when I read your letter. Day by day when I was checking my email, only to hopelessly find it empty, I never thought that you might write back. I thought I was naive, that I was expecting too much. I was, actually. The words that struck me the most were not "I don't know when I might be back" or "I have no clue about the future". It was "I hope you will make the right decision and that you will be better if we stayed friends". Because I know there is no such thing as "friends" in our case.
We're all really so heartbroken and fucked up. Or is it just me? Everything I've put myself through in the last couple of months has been so pointless, I see that now. All the hopeless thoughts and hopes, dreams and accusations have been so unnecessary. I've done nothing wrong, I shouldn't have blamed myself for anything. We both made no promises, we had a compromise. A compromise I took too literary. I kept telling myself that it would all get back to the way it used to be, that I would just have to wait. But it will never be the way it used to be.
Maybe, in time, we could start over. Just maybe. But 'maybe' is enough for now. I will try not to get too attached to this idea. It's a long time. People change. We both have and we both will change even more. The thing is, I know my value. But what you deserve is someone else, something more. I want you to be happy, even if it means that you're happy without me. Even if it means that you're happy with someone else. I would hate that person, but I would respect him at the same time. Respect him for making you happy.
But this doesn't mean I'm giving up.
Time will show. But for now - thank you for everything, you're very special to me.

Saturday, September 3, 2011


It's been silent for a while. The shock, the pain is now gone. Although it still hurts, I can live with it. The silence continues, seems like it would never end. I've tried to stop it and I won't stop trying. But sometimes I get this terrible feeling, that it's all already over. And then I argue with myself. I tell myself that you would never do this and that I'm convinced It'll be ok in time. But honestly, I have no idea. I don't know what's going on in your head. I don't know if you still miss me, still think of me. I've got no guarantee for the future. All I can do is wait. But I'm tired from waiting. And what really scares me is that I doņ't trust myself, I really don't. Who knows what could happen. I can only imagine.
But I will never loose my faith in you. And all I have right now are the memories in my head and the promises you made when you left. I just have to believe.
That's all.
I wish it was that easy.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011


Sometimes I feel like drowning in my own head. Choking with my thoughts as they fill my lungs like water. My mind's turned into this deep ocean - new, mysterious & dangerous. It's unexplored. Who knows what could be hiding there. Sharks, monsters and ship wrecks.
The water's freezing cold, 'cause in my mind it's already winter. There's a huge storm in the distance, coming closer every minute. And the harsh, restless wind is keeping me awake. But all I want is to fall into unconsciousness and sleep. Dream. To dream of the lazy mornings and unforgettable nights, the warmth of your touch, the way you look at me, the way you kiss me. Your eyes, your lips, all of you... You're stuck in my head.
You're somewhere far from the ocean, someplace warm. While I'm here, drowning in my own head.

Sunday, May 22, 2011


The choices I've made have gotten me here. Everything happens for a purpose. Mistakes are made so we could learn from them. And with everything new comes new experience. And if you're being good, you're gonna get it back. Patience pays. And when the right time comes, everything else fades away. Hours seemed to last for years, days were empty, my mind was blank. And after what seemed a really long time, I got them back. I got my wings back. It was weird to learn how to fly once again, but I'm a fast learner. This time I was more careful, I didn't fly so high anymore. But when you took me by the hand I couldn't help it, I burst up in the sky. Faster and higher flying towards happiness. That is where I'm going. I'm actually there already, I'm just flying further in it. Exploring new tastes and colors, giving the world more smiles. And you're giving me more reasons to keep smiling and be happy. And next thing I knew - I fell in love with you. And I am sure of myself. That's why I had to tell it to you. And then we kissed. It felt so good. You taste like summer, rain & peppermints. And now everything's different. I'm yours, I am.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

A Letter

There's something I have to get off my chest. There's something I want to tell you, but can't find the right words. But I am going to try.
I have known you my whole life and as far as I can remember myself, we have been there for each other, we have always been best friends. And nothing in the world is ever going to change that. I know a lot has happened lately, I know that you have been through so much. And it must be so hard right now, but I want you to know that I support you as much as I can.
Your whole life is about to change soon. But I want you to be happy, even if that means that I won't be a part of your daily life anymore. Even if that means that we won't be able to do spontaneous reckless things together, even if that means I'm gonna have to say goodbye. I want you to know that I support you and your choices. And I think that you have made the right choice. You inspire me, going alone, so far away from everything that's familiar, going somewhere strange and distant, leaving home. I look up to you and think "That girl is brave". And I know you must be scared, I would, but I am sure that you're gonna do great! Because I believe in you.
You're like a sister to me, like a family. That's why this is so hard for me. I know that I'm not going to loose you, you'll always be a phone call away if I want to talk to you. But it just won't be the same. I am not going to be selfish. I'm happy about you, but so sad at the same time. I try to imagine how it will be, but my brain can't realise it yet. I can't imagine my life without you, my best friend. You can't be replaced. I know that a thing like this would have happened anyway sooner or later and that I'm probably overreacting and making a fool out of myself. But it's just so hard to let you go.
Remember, you can always count on my support, advice and understanding. I'm going to miss you so much. But right now I want to grab a bottle of martini asti and drink it with you, I know we still have time for that. That and a lot of other things. Let's just gonna enjoy the time we have and be happy.

Your Best Friend.
Always, no matter where you are.


It's the road that's ahead of me in all its endless glory. It's gonna take me by the hand and throw me ahead, pushing me, ignoring any speed limits. I don't need to think, I just need to let the road take over me, over my heart, my brain. It's gonna lead me, it's gonna show me how to live, not only survive. I do not exist, I am alive. It's gonna teach me courage, it's gonna teach me to be strong. It's gonna tell me things I shouldn't know. It's gonna show me things I shouldn't see. And I'm gonna do things I shouldn't do. I'm gonna be bad, I'm gonna be mean. I'm gonna get what I want. I already have. Cause I'm the road. And the road is me.

Saturday, February 26, 2011


I want to go to Paris. I want to wake up someplace new. I want to meet people I like, I want to do things I love. I want to live like I've got all eternity ahead of me. I want to live without fear, without routine, without problems and worries. I want to scream out loud of joy on a street full of people. I want to dance in the rain and laugh like I'm insane. I want to live like every day's a holiday. I want my face to hurt from smiles. I want the fresh summer morning air to fill my lungs. I want to dive from a cliff in a crystal clear blue lake. I want to drive fast in a car and let the wind play with my hair. I want go shopping not caring how much money I spend. I want to bake cookies with smiley faces on them. I want to go on an endless roadtrip without a destination. I want to sleep under the bright night stars. I want to have fun no matter what I do.
I want to do it all with you.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

This one's for you

It's official. I am happy. My face doesn't lie, my smile doesn't lie. I don't lie. I finally don't lie. I'm true. And I have been waiting for the truth to come. And it came. It finally came. The way my eyes sparkle, the way my laughter fills the room, the way it fills the space between us. And as the space narrows, as our lips comes closer, I realise. I realise that you're the one I'm happy with. The one I don't have to pretend with. The one I don't have to lie to. The one. You are the one. One and only. You can feel special, you know you do. And you are special, you're in my heart. And you're not getting out so easily, you are staying.
It's hard to describe the feeling inside. "Like" is not exactly how I feel about you, it's something stronger, something more. It's something I can't defined, something new, something worth fighting for, you're worth fighting for. You make me happy. And happiness is something I had lost. It's something I needed to find. And you gave it to me. And now we're sharing it.
And when your eyes set to mine, when your gentle lips kiss me, everything fades away, but only you remain. And then I smile, I kiss you on the forehead and smile. Be mine.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

The play without the plot

Life is challenging. Remember, I said I like challenges? I do, I really do. And this year so far, I have been winning them, I just hope this keeps going on. I just hope the luck doesn't run out. I've had my first breakdowns, first fights, first romances and a first of everything else. Every thing's a first, 'cause it's my new life, the one I promised myself to live. To live & be happy, that is what I said. but I can't promise that, can I? I can only hope. Someone once told me that happiness is a mood, not a destination. Then what is the destination? Where am I headed for? Or am I just freelancing on my own? 'Cause I don't really have a plan, I let things happen, good or bad, but they happen. I think they call that faith. But what is in charge of us? Is it faith or is it just us? Maybe faith is something abstract, something imaginary and all we have is our free will. And to be honest, I don't know what to do with it. I have this weird sensation of knowing what I want from life in general and being completely clueless what to do with it at the same time. So I keep freelancing. I am on my own.
I decide to forgive or to forget, to love or to hate.
And so I have decided.
I will forgive the person who made me smile.
I will forget the times I cried.
I will love myself.
I will hate... I don't know what to hate.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

A fresh start

My new life starts today. Forget who I was and get used to the person I've become. You don't have to like me, the most important thing is that I love myself. That is all that matters. I love myself more than others, so others can't hurt me anymore. There is this wall in front of me. And I'm not letting anyone to go around it. I am locked in my own world where I am in charge, where I make decisions. And for the first time in a long time there is a smile on my lips when I am writing. And this smile comes from the heart. It's not a mask, it's not a lie. It's me. I've killed a part of my past, a part that was haunting me. And now when it's dead, I can start with a fresh view to the world.
And so much is gonna change now. Everything is about to change. Everyone & everything around me is gonna be new. I will have new challenges, I have new goals. A new life, a fresh start. That's what I wanted and that is what I got.
This year is a blank page, but it's about to change soon. There are gonna be new stories, new secrets, new adventures. It's all out there, waiting for me. And I am gonna throw myself into it. and I won't look back. I won't.
I'm not a little naive boy anymore, I have grown up. That is how I feel. I feel grown up. And it's a good thing.