Tuesday, September 27, 2011

'Maybe' is enough for now

Tears started rolling down my cheeks when I read your letter. Day by day when I was checking my email, only to hopelessly find it empty, I never thought that you might write back. I thought I was naive, that I was expecting too much. I was, actually. The words that struck me the most were not "I don't know when I might be back" or "I have no clue about the future". It was "I hope you will make the right decision and that you will be better if we stayed friends". Because I know there is no such thing as "friends" in our case.
We're all really so heartbroken and fucked up. Or is it just me? Everything I've put myself through in the last couple of months has been so pointless, I see that now. All the hopeless thoughts and hopes, dreams and accusations have been so unnecessary. I've done nothing wrong, I shouldn't have blamed myself for anything. We both made no promises, we had a compromise. A compromise I took too literary. I kept telling myself that it would all get back to the way it used to be, that I would just have to wait. But it will never be the way it used to be.
Maybe, in time, we could start over. Just maybe. But 'maybe' is enough for now. I will try not to get too attached to this idea. It's a long time. People change. We both have and we both will change even more. The thing is, I know my value. But what you deserve is someone else, something more. I want you to be happy, even if it means that you're happy without me. Even if it means that you're happy with someone else. I would hate that person, but I would respect him at the same time. Respect him for making you happy.
But this doesn't mean I'm giving up.
Time will show. But for now - thank you for everything, you're very special to me.

Saturday, September 3, 2011


It's been silent for a while. The shock, the pain is now gone. Although it still hurts, I can live with it. The silence continues, seems like it would never end. I've tried to stop it and I won't stop trying. But sometimes I get this terrible feeling, that it's all already over. And then I argue with myself. I tell myself that you would never do this and that I'm convinced It'll be ok in time. But honestly, I have no idea. I don't know what's going on in your head. I don't know if you still miss me, still think of me. I've got no guarantee for the future. All I can do is wait. But I'm tired from waiting. And what really scares me is that I doņ't trust myself, I really don't. Who knows what could happen. I can only imagine.
But I will never loose my faith in you. And all I have right now are the memories in my head and the promises you made when you left. I just have to believe.
That's all.
I wish it was that easy.