Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Regret nothing

I need to learn how not to regret things. I've done many things I'm not proud of in my life. I've made so many mistakes. Regret is the worst feeling. I wish I could turn back time and fix it all. Or if I could just forget everything. All the bad memories (believe me I've got many of them) I wish I could lock them in the deepest corner of my mind. But I can't run from the past. I need to find a way how to live with it.
But on the other hand we only live once. I shouldn't look back, only forward. I should be strong. Why is it so hard to forget the things that you want to forget the most? I wish my memories had a "Delete" button. "Play" and "Pause" would be great for the best ones.

I have to learn how to live with the past. Ok, it's not that bad, it's not like I have killed anyone or been in prison. But there is a part of my life that I am not proud of.

I promise myself to be strong, at least to try being strong. I'm gonna have a different look at the world. Everything happens for good, right? Then maybe everything is how it's supposed to be. We learn from our mistakes. I have much to learn, in that case, I'm a bad student. Writing this down is making me feel a lot better.

Despite this depressive post I am happy. There is someone who makes me smile all the time, the one will understand. ^^

Tuesday, April 27, 2010


Guess what? -I am not a robot.

People are waiting too much from me. Nobody is perfect, NOBODY. And I'm far from perfect. I'm tired of pretending to be someone who's not me. And you know what? I'm not gonna pretend just to get your appreciation. If you don't like me for who I am that is not my problem. I am an individuality, I never run after someone and I'm never gonna run after you. You have to realize it. Look at me, this is who I am, you can't change me. I'm like the wind. My body is here, but my mind likes to wander. I am so complicated and if someone will try to make a simpler version of me it's just not going to work like that. People should like each other of who they are, not to pretend who they're not. Nobody is perfect, you have to realize it, even you have imperfections. I know I have and a lot of them, but lets make those minuses into pluses. Without all those little imperfections I wouldn't be myself. That's what makes me an individuality. That's what makes us so different from each other.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Painkiller Overdose

I am so sorry for not posting for so long, but I have been super busy and I've still got so much left to do and time is not on my side, that's for sure. I am home and I will be here for a while. I'm skipping school for a week or so. What made me do this? -Pain.
I went to the dentist on Monday and obviously something went wrong and my whole jaw hurts so much. I can't speak or eat normally, I can't chew anything, I feel like a grandma. I'm on painkillers all the time, without them I would just die. It hurts so bad, I can't remember the last time when I was so desperate from pain. I just want it to stop. I just want to fall asleep and wake up and realize this is all just a bad dream. But even my dreams can't save me. I hate waking up in the middle of the night and taking painkillers just so I could fall back to sleep. I know I'm overdosing them, but I don't care. Can something bad happen if I overdose painkillers? That's the last thing on my mind right now, 'cause all I want is to get rid of the pain. Do I use the word 'pain' too much? If so, then I'm sorry if it annoys you, but please think how I feel. - Awful. My dentist said that
this is normal![I don't know if I can believe her] She said it will hurt for another week. I don't know if I will be able to suffer through this. Yes, 'suffer' is the real word how to describe my feelings. Please, pray for me..;D

Monday, April 5, 2010

I'm back on the road.

My Easter break has expired and I'm going back to the campus tonight. Damn, I really don't want to, but from the other hand I'm starting to miss Riga. Anyway, I probably won't be posting anything new for a week or so, but maybe I will, I don't know. I will miss you guys, I've started to really like blogging, it's addictive...;D


Sunday, April 4, 2010

Every Shade Of Gray

Sometimes I wish I could be gray. I wish I could hide, that no one would see me, I wish I could disappear. I wish I was in my own little world with my own rules and with my own understanding of what's right and what's wrong. But gray is the complete opposite of who I am and who I want to be. I always stand out in a crowd, I always take charge of everyone, I'm always the one who's everything but gray. I guess I'm just tired of it all and right now all I want is to REST! This year has been just too intense and I wish that I could just stop the time for a moment, or more than a moment. I just need a week or two off. I need some time for myself, I want to be more selfish and do things for me, not to others, I need to relax, I need to be the one who's standing aside. I want to be gray. Just for a moment, for a week or two, I need to disconnect from life around me and live just for myself. Is that really so selfish?

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Food is an addiction


Lately all I can think of is my weight. I feel fat. I just keep thinking about giving up food again, I've lost so much weight by not eating, but I don't want to end up in a hospital. Maybe the problem is in my head? I know I'll never be thin enough, but everyone keeps telling me that I look like a bulimic even now. Is it really possible that everyone is lying to me? Or is it all just in my head? You may think it's funny, that a boy is worrying about his weight and calories so much. But if you're learning in a school of Style and Fashion, it's impossible not to get these thoughts in your head, even if you're a boy.
After my friend got an operation, I'm really scared of giving up food once again, so that's why I've started to do much more sports, but this way of getting fit is much more slower. Anyway, tonight I'll go running and hopefully will get all these sick thoughts out of my head.
I remember times, when I stayed in my bed all day, just because I was too tired to go to school or stopping on the 2nd floor and standing there until I pull myself together and climb up to the 5th floor. I remember watching other people eat made me happy, 'cause they were getting fatter. How many times I have fainted and what I will never forget is the pain, the empty hole in my stomach, that feels impossible to be filled ever again. And on breaks, when everyone was eating, I was just sitting there with my big bottle of water and drinking it all the time. I remember those times of sudden weakness, when I started to eat, then regretted it and went to the toilet to get it all out. Yes, I admit it, I had an anorexia. I lost so much weight, before all that, I was so fat, I had size L, but now I've got size XS, that was my goal, I reached it. I regret nothing, otherwise I would still be fat.


Friday, April 2, 2010

Why are we so masochistic?

Why do we like to be afraid? What's wrong with us?

I like watching horror movies, I like to feel scared, feel the adrenalin rushing through my blood, I like the tension, it's like a drug. But why is that so?
Yesterday night I was watching "Meat Train" which was really scary and I started to think WHY AM I WATCHING THIS?!? It was so disgusting, but I kept watching. All the time I thought, that I will turn it off, but I didn't, I liked to feel the fear. And it made me think about this. Am I a masochist? And maybe in a way we all are. Even my mom kept watching "Meat Train" although she hated it and kept commenting what a awful movie this is. But she watched it to the end. And I can't figure out why is this happening? Why do we like to feel fear? Are we all really masochists? Is it because safe life is boring? we really need to feel threatened just to feel alive?

Thinking about this made me make my scariest horror film top 3:
  1. "Paranormal Activity" This movie has left a trauma in my memory, seriously. Me and my friends watched it at night, home alone, it was breathtaking.
  2. "Haunting In Connecticut" The same with this movie, only not so frightening
  3. "The Exorcism Of Emily Rose" I went to the movie alone years ago, but it's made a deep impression. Even now the scariest hour for me is 3AM.
So let's keep living our safe boring lives. ;)


Thursday, April 1, 2010

Funny how everything changes

It's Easter break. [well, not for me, but anyway I'm home all day 'cause I'm sick] I remember when I was younger [I know I'm still young ;D] I liked all the Easter traditions, like coloring eggs, battling with them and so on, but now it's just annoying. It was the same with Christmas, I used to like making ginger breads and pasties with my mom, but now, I'm just too tired for all that. Could this mean I'm all grown up?
It's funny how my thoughts have changed over the last few years, in this one especially. I just feel like I'm not the same person I was yesterday. And what will be tomorrow? And after a year? What will happen to my dreams and goals? Will I still try to fulfill them? Or will I have new ones? What will happen with my friends, it feels like I have nothing in common with some of them even now. Are they still my friends or maybe only persons to say "Hi!" to. I'm scared of loosing myself, I'm scared of becoming someone else, someone that's not me. But on the other hand, all I want is to be better and maybe I'm not good enough and I have to change everything about me? Who am I asking these questions to? Myself? You? If not, then who? I feel like I'm just screaming towards a dark abyss and all I can hear is my echo screaming back at me, but only louder. What if these changes are bad? What if I make the wrong decisions and ruin my life? And how am I supposed to know what is right and what's wrong?