Kiss me and say goodbye

Things are happening too fast. I don't know you that long, but you act like we're a couple. But we're not. And I don't like that you try to control me. I can't be controlled. I live beyond the borders. Although it feels so great when we are together. It doesn't feel like that when we are separate. You call me too often. Even at night. You woke me up at 5am. And you ask me why I turned off my phone? I can't live like this. Because of you I don't get to see my friends. I am late for school and I can't do my homework. You keep me up at nights. I know it feels so right when I fall asleep next to you. And when I wake up and see your eyes still so dreamy, but focused on mine. It feels so great when you kiss me, when you smile, when you hold me in your arms, when you say you want me. I want you too, but not like this. Not all the time, not every night. I have a life too, I can't always be there for you. I have obligations, I can't keep living like this. When I think of it, I really don't want to do this, but this must end. We can't be together. It will be hard for me to say goodbye, but next time you call, I will tell you everything. I don't want you to hate me, I don't. But I don't want you to love me. I can't be loved. This must end. Before I can admit that I might actualy be in love with you.

Bring back the memories

Tonight after a jog in the dark. I was siting on the stairs outside and watching around. I remember seeing this view with child eyes. Everything has changed. But deep inside I know that nothing has changed, I'm the one who's changed. I've grown up. And now I saw the same things with adults eyes. Where did the little boy in the old pictures go? Is he still somewhere buried deep inside me? Or is he gone? Tonight I want to bring him out, to run freely and laugh, to play hide and seek, to play ball, act childish, I want to smile for no reason, I want to live like this once again. Where did all my friends go? I still have two childhood friends and they are the best ones. But where did the rest of them go? Right now I want to see them all and play in the sandbox. I miss my bright blond hair I had then. And those bright eyes. I miss the energy I had. I miss me. Will I ever see him again? That little boy. Will he ever come back? Is he still a part of me? I know I ask a lot of questions, but it's because I don't have the answers.

Never believe me.

I wish I could tel you the truth.
I wish you would understand.
But you won't believe me.
No one believes in the truth.
Everyone wants to hear lies.
And that's what I've become.
A liar.
I am a liar.
I lie.
To you, to them, to myself.
I lie.
I always lie.
But I wish things were different.
I wish things were right.
Truth complicates everything.
But I can fix it with a single lie.
And so I lie, Again and again.
I never stop.
I never will.
The truth is too painful, even to me.
So we live in the world of lies.
The lies made by me and you.
I know you lie too.

Breath

The world could stay silent. Just for a while. The cool air feels refreshing on my sun tanned skin. The darkness blindfolds me, all I can see is a distant streetlight. I breath in the fresh air and close my eyes. I feel like in a forest. The scent of trees wraps around me. I listen. There's nothing to hear, only the sound of my beating heart. The world could always stay this silent, I'm tired from the noise. My ears can rest. I look at the sky. Is it always this beautiful? The moon is as bright as my soul. The stars form in different shapes. I could look at them for eternity, but still notice new drawings. Yes, the sky is like a drawing. The most beautiful of them all and it's not man-made. I can still feel the scent of the rain. It's my favorite scent in the world. Just minutes ago the tender raindrops were touching my skin, soaking me, calming me. I hope the rain will come back. I'll wait for it. And when it will return, I'll smile to the sky, thanking it for this moment.

Not the same me

Some of my so called "old friends" have started to write and call me. And I hate it. I have changed and those are the people I don't want in my life anymore. I remember those dark, depressive days and I don't want to return and I don't want to see anyone I considered my "friend" at that time. Leave me alone, let me go on with my life, I won't let you drag me down, not again, not ever. I'm not the same person, not the same Aleksis. Don't bother and never even remember me.
"I've got a new world in my view". Like the lyrics of the song. I have completely changed in the last two years, I'm not the same person, I don't even look like the old me. I have deleted that part of my life and it does not feel good to remember and those people really don't get it that we have nothing in common? Nothing at all! I'm on the right path now and I'm not stepping off of it, I know my goals and I'm gonna reach them, I won't let anyone stand in my way. The life I had is not the one I want, but trust me, no one will drag me back! I'm strong and I can make the right decisions.

I'm not dead, I'm busy

I am so sorry for not posting for so long, but I have been so busy with my studies and exams and everything, but I've finally got myself together for this article. A lot has happened lately. Really A LOT. I've gone through lots of ups and downs, but it finally seems that everything in life is starting to find it's place. Life is like a roller coaster one minute you're up there and the next one you're going down. I feel peaceful, I know it's only temporary, but at least for a moment I can sit down and relax. It actually feels weird to have free time, I'm used to the rush, to the never ending obligations. I can finally lay down and read a good book and it feels great! I'm enjoying the freedom while I still can, but I know that September will come fast and it's just gonna be more difficult next semester. There will be new people, new things, new problems. But I don't care, I'm strong, I will survive this. Right now I'm feeling enthusiastic, bring on the adventures! Bring it on! Let's see what this summer can offer me.

Regret nothing

I need to learn how not to regret things. I've done many things I'm not proud of in my life. I've made so many mistakes. Regret is the worst feeling. I wish I could turn back time and fix it all. Or if I could just forget everything. All the bad memories (believe me I've got many of them) I wish I could lock them in the deepest corner of my mind. But I can't run from the past. I need to find a way how to live with it.
But on the other hand we only live once. I shouldn't look back, only forward. I should be strong. Why is it so hard to forget the things that you want to forget the most? I wish my memories had a "Delete" button. "Play" and "Pause" would be great for the best ones.
I have to learn how to live with the past. Ok, it's not that bad, it's not like I have killed anyone or been in prison. But there is a part of my life that I am not proud of.
I promise myself to be strong, at least to try being strong. I'm gonna have a different look at the world. Everything happens for good, right? Then maybe everything is how it's supposed to be. We learn from our mistakes. I have much to learn, in that case, I'm a bad student. Writing this down is making me feel a lot better.
Despite this depressive post I am happy. There is someone who makes me smile all the time, the one will understand. ^^