Habits

There are things about me, things you don’t know. There are habits – good and bad, that I never want to let go. There are things I’ll never stop doing and there are dreams I’ll always be dreaming.

Sometimes I close my eyes in the middle of the day and picture myself incredibly happy and then for a moment, I actually believe it. At certain times during the day, I make wishes, wishes that no one knows. Sometimes I keep wishing for the same thing until it comes true. When I walk the streets alone, I stare into windows and imagine who’s living there, what kind of life they have. I imagine their stories and their secrets until I almost believe it.

Whenever I see a couple or a family, I wonder, how it started for them, their first date, first kiss. Did they fell in love instantly? Or are they in love at all? Sometimes I think of old people, of their lost youth, past lovers and their regrets. I wonder if they’re happy, I wonder if they’re lonely. Maybe they’ve got a big, loving family, maybe they don’t have anyone, anyone at all. They used to be young, they used to be like us – They used to be us. Once a conversation with an old lady opened my eyes, made me understand that I have to take risks, I have to do what I believe in, I have to follow my heart. She had this pain in her heart – the lost love of her life. Is it true that you can truly love just once? And that you understand that only at the end? And what is the end exactly? Does life ends with the death of our body?

Sometimes I make up my own theories about things, about life and how nature works. Sometimes I think of the universe and the fact that it will shrink one day and everything will be lost, I can’t quite realize the thought of it.

There are times when I wonder of how things used to be. How people lived years ago and how the world looked like without all these cities and these roads. Other times I wonder of what I’m capable of. Could I leave everything and live alone in the mountains? Could I dedicate my whole existence unselfishly for something I believe in?

There are things I do that annoy other people. I have to sniff everything I eat. I sniff a lot of things, and I associate scents and perfumes with certain things and people. I love the smell of fresh paint, nail polish, new electronics and rubber. Sometimes I smell something I can’t recognize, but it reminds me of a certain memory or an emotion, brings me back to childhood. And sometimes because of a perfume I start liking or disliking someone.

There’s a lot of what I do that could be described as unnecessary or a waste of time. But it’s what makes me feel like me. Sometimes I overthink everything, sometimes I don’t think at all.

Well, this is me – the real me.