I'm not myself lately. I keep feeling trapped and emotionally uncomfortable. I feel distant. I worked for something so much and saw my dream crash in front of me, so I had to come up with another plan. And the way this plan has been going does not satisfy me at all. Something that I thought I wanted is actually the complete opposite. Every day when I get up for work I have to wear this mask, I have to pretend, I have to lie. I have to hear countless accusations that I disagree with. And after a few months, I now understand how much I hate what I do. How much I hate my work.
I want to take control, I want to change things, I want a fresh start. You see, I'm a perfectionist and it's my curse. I can't feel happy unless everything's perfect, unless things are going my way, unless I'm loved and cared about. I find calmness in perfection. And it's something I hate about myself, because how many days have been perfect actually? A few. So can I say I'm a happy person?