Next stop: G&M

I started this blog when I felt the need that I had to put away all the things that were going on in my head. And then I stopped, 'cause I found a way to deal with them. This blog has helped me a lot through the years, but I've 'grown out' of it.
However, I would appreciate if you would take a look at my fashion blog GALAXIES&MORE
Take care.

Habits

There are things about me, things you don’t know. There are habits – good and bad, that I never want to let go. There are things I’ll never stop doing and there are dreams I’ll always be dreaming.

Sometimes I close my eyes in the middle of the day and picture myself incredibly happy and then for a moment, I actually believe it. At certain times during the day, I make wishes, wishes that no one knows. Sometimes I keep wishing for the same thing until it comes true. When I walk the streets alone, I stare into windows and imagine who’s living there, what kind of life they have. I imagine their stories and their secrets until I almost believe it.

Whenever I see a couple or a family, I wonder, how it started for them, their first date, first kiss. Did they fell in love instantly? Or are they in love at all? Sometimes I think of old people, of their lost youth, past lovers and their regrets. I wonder if they’re happy, I wonder if they’re lonely. Maybe they’ve got a big, loving family, maybe they don’t have anyone, anyone at all. They used to be young, they used to be like us – They used to be us. Once a conversation with an old lady opened my eyes, made me understand that I have to take risks, I have to do what I believe in, I have to follow my heart. She had this pain in her heart – the lost love of her life. Is it true that you can truly love just once? And that you understand that only at the end? And what is the end exactly? Does life ends with the death of our body?

Sometimes I make up my own theories about things, about life and how nature works. Sometimes I think of the universe and the fact that it will shrink one day and everything will be lost, I can’t quite realize the thought of it.

There are times when I wonder of how things used to be. How people lived years ago and how the world looked like without all these cities and these roads. Other times I wonder of what I’m capable of. Could I leave everything and live alone in the mountains? Could I dedicate my whole existence unselfishly for something I believe in?

There are things I do that annoy other people. I have to sniff everything I eat. I sniff a lot of things, and I associate scents and perfumes with certain things and people. I love the smell of fresh paint, nail polish, new electronics and rubber. Sometimes I smell something I can’t recognize, but it reminds me of a certain memory or an emotion, brings me back to childhood. And sometimes because of a perfume I start liking or disliking someone.

There’s a lot of what I do that could be described as unnecessary or a waste of time. But it’s what makes me feel like me. Sometimes I overthink everything, sometimes I don’t think at all.

Well, this is me – the real me.

Perfection

Have you ever felt unhappy although everything seems to be ok? Have you ever felt as if you're loosing control of your life? Have you ever understood that what you're doing is not what you want to do at all? Well, I have. I do.
I'm not myself lately. I keep feeling trapped and emotionally uncomfortable. I feel distant. I worked for something so much and saw my dream crash in front of me, so I had to come up with another plan. And the way this plan has been going does not satisfy me at all. Something that I thought I wanted is actually the complete opposite. Every day when I get up for work I have to wear this mask, I have to pretend, I have to lie. I have to hear countless accusations that I disagree with. And after a few months, I now understand how much I hate what I do. How much I hate my work.
I want to take control, I want to change things, I want a fresh start. You see, I'm a perfectionist and it's my curse. I can't feel happy unless everything's perfect, unless things are going my way, unless I'm loved and cared about. I find calmness in perfection. And it's something I hate about myself, because how many days have been perfect actually? A few. So can I say I'm a happy person?

Some say that things don't have to be perfect to be beautiful. Others say that perfect is boring. One of the definitions for perfection is 'a quality, trait, feature of the highest degree of excellence'. But what do I think of perfection? I think that perfection is when you do what you love, when you have high goals, when you love someone and you're being loved. That's perfection and it makes me happy. It'll all be perfect, it has to be.

Choices

I've been busy for a while, I still am. Busy with taking hold of my life, cause it was going a direction I hadn't planned, hadn't wanted. I always thought of myself as decisive, but now I see that I'm not. I can't make a simple choice. Well, but maybe the choices aren't that simple.
It's as if one part of my life has ended and from swimming in the pool I've moved to the sea. People are expecting so much from me, and I can't let them down. If I do that - I'm finished, my chance would be over. It's my philosophy of life that the choices you make define who you are and who you'll be in the future. And here I am, not being able to make a choice, not being able to say 'No'. So I remain silent.
We should choose wisely who we trust, who we tell our plans. And for that matter, I'm gonna shut my mouth a little.
And I understand that I can't run away from such decisions, but I'm still doing it, avoiding my problems, putting them aside, as if it was a solution.
It's not.

The City

It was one of those nights when the whole city felt alive. As I walked in the darkness through the misty rain, I felt the city breathing. It breathed in a peaceful rhythm and as the fresh night air stroked my skin, I knew the city was alive. I could hear its heartbeats in every little raindrop hitting the dark pavement. And in this early hour I was all alone on the lantern-lit streets. And so the city walked with me. It knew where I was going, it came to say goodbye. It came to wish me luck. And I knew right then that this city will miss me, I'm its friend. And when I stood under the glass-tile roof, I could see the citys energy vibing from the ground, going upwards - towards the rain. The city was crying when I left, I whispered 'I'm not leaving you, not just jet.'

It's different

You know what? It's all changed. Everything. It's so different from what I expected. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. It's not me in the mirror, it's not me in my skin. It's a stranger. I've gone so far that I don't even recognize myself anymore. How did this happen? How did everything happen?

Life is like a train. And it feels like mine is going too fast and it has no driver. I should take the wheel in my hands and take control. But I don't. I'm letting the train go fast-forward while I'm sitting alone in the backseat. I don't want it to crash, but I'm afraid that might happen.

The things that used to matter to me are now gone. Sometimes I just don't know what I'm doing. And every day I have no clue of what's going to happen next. I'm afraid of letting go of the things that mean the most to me. I'm afraid of not living up to my full potential.

It's just different.

But if I'm still capable of writing this, then I know - it's me. Deep down behind the fake smile it's still me you're looking at.

Forward

As I was standing in the crowd, watching all the people smile, celebrating the independence day, looking happy, I realised something. Later, I was walking the crowded streets with a coffee in my hand, looking gorgeous, but alone. I felt completely alone. All this time I've been holding on to something that's long since over. Something that doesn't exist anymore, something that's only in my head. I've been telling myself lies, although I knew the truth all the time, I didn't want to admit it. As hard as it is, but I have to move on. I have to stop torturing myself. And although it hurts like hell, but I have to let you go, completely let go.
From time to time I read the old text messages and letters, I have to delete them. I have to delete the number from my speed dial. I have to get rid of it all.
I need a new start, something new, someone fresh. I need someone to help me forget. I need to look forward. Move forward and not to look back.

'Maybe' is enough for now

Tears started rolling down my cheeks when I read your letter. Day by day when I was checking my email, only to hopelessly find it empty, I never thought that you might write back. I thought I was naive, that I was expecting too much. I was, actually. The words that struck me the most were not "I don't know when I might be back" or "I have no clue about the future". It was "I hope you will make the right decision and that you will be better if we stayed friends". Because I know there is no such thing as "friends" in our case.
We're all really so heartbroken and fucked up. Or is it just me? Everything I've put myself through in the last couple of months has been so pointless, I see that now. All the hopeless thoughts and hopes, dreams and accusations have been so unnecessary. I've done nothing wrong, I shouldn't have blamed myself for anything. We both made no promises, we had a compromise. A compromise I took too literary. I kept telling myself that it would all get back to the way it used to be, that I would just have to wait. But it will never be the way it used to be.
Maybe, in time, we could start over. Just maybe. But 'maybe' is enough for now. I will try not to get too attached to this idea. It's a long time. People change. We both have and we both will change even more. The thing is, I know my value. But what you deserve is someone else, something more. I want you to be happy, even if it means that you're happy without me. Even if it means that you're happy with someone else. I would hate that person, but I would respect him at the same time. Respect him for making you happy.
But this doesn't mean I'm giving up.
Time will show. But for now - thank you for everything, you're very special to me.

Silence

It's been silent for a while. The shock, the pain is now gone. Although it still hurts, I can live with it. The silence continues, seems like it would never end. I've tried to stop it and I won't stop trying. But sometimes I get this terrible feeling, that it's all already over. And then I argue with myself. I tell myself that you would never do this and that I'm convinced It'll be ok in time. But honestly, I have no idea. I don't know what's going on in your head. I don't know if you still miss me, still think of me. I've got no guarantee for the future. All I can do is wait. But I'm tired from waiting. And what really scares me is that I doņ't trust myself, I really don't. Who knows what could happen. I can only imagine.
But I will never loose my faith in you. And all I have right now are the memories in my head and the promises you made when you left. I just have to believe.
That's all.
I wish it was that easy.

Ocean

Sometimes I feel like drowning in my own head. Choking with my thoughts as they fill my lungs like water. My mind's turned into this deep ocean - new, mysterious & dangerous. It's unexplored. Who knows what could be hiding there. Sharks, monsters and ship wrecks.
The water's freezing cold, 'cause in my mind it's already winter. There's a huge storm in the distance, coming closer every minute. And the harsh, restless wind is keeping me awake. But all I want is to fall into unconsciousness and sleep. Dream. To dream of the lazy mornings and unforgettable nights, the warmth of your touch, the way you look at me, the way you kiss me. Your eyes, your lips, all of you... You're stuck in my head.
You're somewhere far from the ocean, someplace warm. While I'm here, drowning in my own head.

Wings

The choices I've made have gotten me here. Everything happens for a purpose. Mistakes are made so we could learn from them. And with everything new comes new experience. And if you're being good, you're gonna get it back. Patience pays. And when the right time comes, everything else fades away. Hours seemed to last for years, days were empty, my mind was blank. And after what seemed a really long time, I got them back. I got my wings back. It was weird to learn how to fly once again, but I'm a fast learner. This time I was more careful, I didn't fly so high anymore. But when you took me by the hand I couldn't help it, I burst up in the sky. Faster and higher flying towards happiness. That is where I'm going. I'm actually there already, I'm just flying further in it. Exploring new tastes and colors, giving the world more smiles. And you're giving me more reasons to keep smiling and be happy. And next thing I knew - I fell in love with you. And I am sure of myself. That's why I had to tell it to you. And then we kissed. It felt so good. You taste like summer, rain & peppermints. And now everything's different. I'm yours, I am.

A Letter

There's something I have to get off my chest. There's something I want to tell you, but can't find the right words. But I am going to try.
I have known you my whole life and as far as I can remember myself, we have been there for each other, we have always been best friends. And nothing in the world is ever going to change that. I know a lot has happened lately, I know that you have been through so much. And it must be so hard right now, but I want you to know that I support you as much as I can.
Your whole life is about to change soon. But I want you to be happy, even if that means that I won't be a part of your daily life anymore. Even if that means that we won't be able to do spontaneous reckless things together, even if that means I'm gonna have to say goodbye. I want you to know that I support you and your choices. And I think that you have made the right choice. You inspire me, going alone, so far away from everything that's familiar, going somewhere strange and distant, leaving home. I look up to you and think "That girl is brave". And I know you must be scared, I would, but I am sure that you're gonna do great! Because I believe in you.
You're like a sister to me, like a family. That's why this is so hard for me. I know that I'm not going to loose you, you'll always be a phone call away if I want to talk to you. But it just won't be the same. I am not going to be selfish. I'm happy about you, but so sad at the same time. I try to imagine how it will be, but my brain can't realise it yet. I can't imagine my life without you, my best friend. You can't be replaced. I know that a thing like this would have happened anyway sooner or later and that I'm probably overreacting and making a fool out of myself. But it's just so hard to let you go.
Remember, you can always count on my support, advice and understanding. I'm going to miss you so much. But right now I want to grab a bottle of martini asti and drink it with you, I know we still have time for that. That and a lot of other things. Let's just gonna enjoy the time we have and be happy.

Your Best Friend.
Always, no matter where you are.

Road

It's the road that's ahead of me in all its endless glory. It's gonna take me by the hand and throw me ahead, pushing me, ignoring any speed limits. I don't need to think, I just need to let the road take over me, over my heart, my brain. It's gonna lead me, it's gonna show me how to live, not only survive. I do not exist, I am alive. It's gonna teach me courage, it's gonna teach me to be strong. It's gonna tell me things I shouldn't know. It's gonna show me things I shouldn't see. And I'm gonna do things I shouldn't do. I'm gonna be bad, I'm gonna be mean. I'm gonna get what I want. I already have. Cause I'm the road. And the road is me.

Want

I want to go to Paris. I want to wake up someplace new. I want to meet people I like, I want to do things I love. I want to live like I've got all eternity ahead of me. I want to live without fear, without routine, without problems and worries. I want to scream out loud of joy on a street full of people. I want to dance in the rain and laugh like I'm insane. I want to live like every day's a holiday. I want my face to hurt from smiles. I want the fresh summer morning air to fill my lungs. I want to dive from a cliff in a crystal clear blue lake. I want to drive fast in a car and let the wind play with my hair. I want go shopping not caring how much money I spend. I want to bake cookies with smiley faces on them. I want to go on an endless roadtrip without a destination. I want to sleep under the bright night stars. I want to have fun no matter what I do.
I want to do it all with you.

This one's for you

It's official. I am happy. My face doesn't lie, my smile doesn't lie. I don't lie. I finally don't lie. I'm true. And I have been waiting for the truth to come. And it came. It finally came. The way my eyes sparkle, the way my laughter fills the room, the way it fills the space between us. And as the space narrows, as our lips comes closer, I realise. I realise that you're the one I'm happy with. The one I don't have to pretend with. The one I don't have to lie to. The one. You are the one. One and only. You can feel special, you know you do. And you are special, you're in my heart. And you're not getting out so easily, you are staying.
It's hard to describe the feeling inside. "Like" is not exactly how I feel about you, it's something stronger, something more. It's something I can't defined, something new, something worth fighting for, you're worth fighting for. You make me happy. And happiness is something I had lost. It's something I needed to find. And you gave it to me. And now we're sharing it.
And when your eyes set to mine, when your gentle lips kiss me, everything fades away, but only you remain. And then I smile, I kiss you on the forehead and smile. Be mine.

The play without the plot

Life is challenging. Remember, I said I like challenges? I do, I really do. And this year so far, I have been winning them, I just hope this keeps going on. I just hope the luck doesn't run out. I've had my first breakdowns, first fights, first romances and a first of everything else. Every thing's a first, 'cause it's my new life, the one I promised myself to live. To live & be happy, that is what I said. but I can't promise that, can I? I can only hope. Someone once told me that happiness is a mood, not a destination. Then what is the destination? Where am I headed for? Or am I just freelancing on my own? 'Cause I don't really have a plan, I let things happen, good or bad, but they happen. I think they call that faith. But what is in charge of us? Is it faith or is it just us? Maybe faith is something abstract, something imaginary and all we have is our free will. And to be honest, I don't know what to do with it. I have this weird sensation of knowing what I want from life in general and being completely clueless what to do with it at the same time. So I keep freelancing. I am on my own.

I decide to forgive or to forget, to love or to hate.

And so I have decided.

I will forgive the person who made me smile.

I will forget the times I cried.

I will love myself.

I will hate... I don't know what to hate.

A fresh start

My new life starts today. Forget who I was and get used to the person I've become. You don't have to like me, the most important thing is that I love myself. That is all that matters. I love myself more than others, so others can't hurt me anymore. There is this wall in front of me. And I'm not letting anyone to go around it. I am locked in my own world where I am in charge, where I make decisions. And for the first time in a long time there is a smile on my lips when I am writing. And this smile comes from the heart. It's not a mask, it's not a lie. It's me. I've killed a part of my past, a part that was haunting me. And now when it's dead, I can start with a fresh view to the world.
And so much is gonna change now. Everything is about to change. Everyone & everything around me is gonna be new. I will have new challenges, I have new goals. A new life, a fresh start. That's what I wanted and that is what I got.
This year is a blank page, but it's about to change soon. There are gonna be new stories, new secrets, new adventures. It's all out there, waiting for me. And I am gonna throw myself into it. and I won't look back. I won't.
I'm not a little naive boy anymore, I have grown up. That is how I feel. I feel grown up. And it's a good thing.

Tears

It hurts. A lot. It's been weeks since I'm walking around with this large, empty hole in my chest. And it's not getting better. I'm suffering. I can't stand the pain anymore, I can't fight. I'm not strong enough, I'm not strong at all. I am weak and always will be. When the tears dry new ones wet my cheeks, new ones soak my pillow. Memories cut deep my already broken heart, my shattered heart. It's in a million pieces and each one belongs to you. If only you would take them all with you.
You left so suddenly, I wasn't prepared, but I could never be prepared, I could never forget. I will never forget. When you left you disapeared. I can't find you, I've tried. When you left, happiness left me too, it will never come back and you will be lost forever. I know I can't change anything, but I will die trying. I wish I could turn back time and live in the past, 'cause I can't face the future without you. You left me alone, you left my soul die.
It hurts so much to wake up alone. I can't look at the things you left behind, it's too hard, but sometimes, I take them out from where I've hid them and try to remember your scent, I try to remember the feeling when you held me in you arms, when you breathed on my neck, when you whispered 'I love you'. And then I cry. I cry for long, lonely hours and scream until I fall asleep. And when I wake up at night and see that I am so alone in this world, a part of me dies. And now every part of me is dead and I wish I could drawn in my own tears, I wish I would never wake up. I wish I was dreaming you still needed me and the dream would never end. Because I know that in reality that dream would never come true.

Tell them

Look into my tired eyes and tell my story. Share my secrets. Reveal my thoughts. Show them what I have to hide. Look carefully. Can you see my soul? Can you see my heart? Is it broken or is it still beating? Is there any love inside me? Or is there hate? What kind of person am I? Am I good or am I bad? Have I sinned? You know we all have. Are my sins forgiven? Am I forgiven? Look inside me. Every dark corner, every hidden thought. Look behind the shadows, 'cause what's in the spotlight is only half true. Or maybe lies. Maybe I'm full of lies. Then what is true? Search for the truth. There is a truth behind every single lie I make. Tell them the truth. You tell them, 'cause I never will. I've never had.
Look more carefully. And tell everyone. Tell them while I'm hiding my eyes behind the tears. Shout it out if you have to. But I won't listen. I will hide. And I will drawn in my tears not even bothering to try gasping for air. It won't matter anymore if they knew the truth.

Your burning touch

I see my breath hanging in the cold morning air. The sun is gone, it's been a while since I felt the sun gently touching my skin, warming me, calming me. But I don't need no sun. I've got you. You're not only warming me, you're making me feel hot, you make me feel safe and protected. I know it can be difficult with me, but you seem to manage it. And you manage it perfectly. Everything about you attracts me to you, you're like a magnet and I can only let myself been drawn to you. You are my gravity, my reality. I don't need dreams when reality is much better than any dream I've had before.
Every time you kiss me, my lips are set on fire and every time you smile, my heart is burning too. Just a single touch makes my skin burn. Just a single look makes me smile. And just a single word makes my heart fly. I wish that every morning I woke up next to you. The distance can be hard to bare, but I can manage it, I am strong. And so are you. You're stronger, a lot stronger than me.
Tonight I'll go to sleep and dream of your kisses. I miss them. I miss you. I know you do too. But I can wait. For you I am ready to do everything. And I mean it.