As I was standing in the crowd, watching all the people smile, celebrating the independence day, looking happy, I realised something. Later, I was walking the crowded streets with a coffee in my hand, looking gorgeous, but alone. I felt completely alone. All this time I've been holding on to something that's long since over. Something that doesn't exist anymore, something that's only in my head. I've been telling myself lies, although I knew the truth all the time, I didn't want to admit it. As hard as it is, but I have to move on. I have to stop torturing myself. And although it hurts like hell, but I have to let you go, completely let go.
From time to time I read the old text messages and letters, I have to delete them. I have to delete the number from my speed dial. I have to get rid of it all.
I need a new start, something new, someone fresh. I need someone to help me forget. I need to look forward. Move forward and not to look back.
Showing posts with label sad. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sad. Show all posts
Friday, November 18, 2011
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
'Maybe' is enough for now
Tears started rolling down my cheeks when I read your letter. Day by day when I was checking my email, only to hopelessly find it empty, I never thought that you might write back. I thought I was naive, that I was expecting too much. I was, actually. The words that struck me the most were not "I don't know when I might be back" or "I have no clue about the future". It was "I hope you will make the right decision and that you will be better if we stayed friends". Because I know there is no such thing as "friends" in our case.
We're all really so heartbroken and fucked up. Or is it just me? Everything I've put myself through in the last couple of months has been so pointless, I see that now. All the hopeless thoughts and hopes, dreams and accusations have been so unnecessary. I've done nothing wrong, I shouldn't have blamed myself for anything. We both made no promises, we had a compromise. A compromise I took too literary. I kept telling myself that it would all get back to the way it used to be, that I would just have to wait. But it will never be the way it used to be.
Maybe, in time, we could start over. Just maybe. But 'maybe' is enough for now. I will try not to get too attached to this idea. It's a long time. People change. We both have and we both will change even more. The thing is, I know my value. But what you deserve is someone else, something more. I want you to be happy, even if it means that you're happy without me. Even if it means that you're happy with someone else. I would hate that person, but I would respect him at the same time. Respect him for making you happy.
But this doesn't mean I'm giving up.
Time will show. But for now - thank you for everything, you're very special to me.
We're all really so heartbroken and fucked up. Or is it just me? Everything I've put myself through in the last couple of months has been so pointless, I see that now. All the hopeless thoughts and hopes, dreams and accusations have been so unnecessary. I've done nothing wrong, I shouldn't have blamed myself for anything. We both made no promises, we had a compromise. A compromise I took too literary. I kept telling myself that it would all get back to the way it used to be, that I would just have to wait. But it will never be the way it used to be.
Maybe, in time, we could start over. Just maybe. But 'maybe' is enough for now. I will try not to get too attached to this idea. It's a long time. People change. We both have and we both will change even more. The thing is, I know my value. But what you deserve is someone else, something more. I want you to be happy, even if it means that you're happy without me. Even if it means that you're happy with someone else. I would hate that person, but I would respect him at the same time. Respect him for making you happy.
But this doesn't mean I'm giving up.
Time will show. But for now - thank you for everything, you're very special to me.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
A Letter
There's something I have to get off my chest. There's something I want to tell you, but can't find the right words. But I am going to try.
I have known you my whole life and as far as I can remember myself, we have been there for each other, we have always been best friends. And nothing in the world is ever going to change that. I know a lot has happened lately, I know that you have been through so much. And it must be so hard right now, but I want you to know that I support you as much as I can.
Your whole life is about to change soon. But I want you to be happy, even if that means that I won't be a part of your daily life anymore. Even if that means that we won't be able to do spontaneous reckless things together, even if that means I'm gonna have to say goodbye. I want you to know that I support you and your choices. And I think that you have made the right choice. You inspire me, going alone, so far away from everything that's familiar, going somewhere strange and distant, leaving home. I look up to you and think "That girl is brave". And I know you must be scared, I would, but I am sure that you're gonna do great! Because I believe in you.
You're like a sister to me, like a family. That's why this is so hard for me. I know that I'm not going to loose you, you'll always be a phone call away if I want to talk to you. But it just won't be the same. I am not going to be selfish. I'm happy about you, but so sad at the same time. I try to imagine how it will be, but my brain can't realise it yet. I can't imagine my life without you, my best friend. You can't be replaced. I know that a thing like this would have happened anyway sooner or later and that I'm probably overreacting and making a fool out of myself. But it's just so hard to let you go.
Remember, you can always count on my support, advice and understanding. I'm going to miss you so much. But right now I want to grab a bottle of martini asti and drink it with you, I know we still have time for that. That and a lot of other things. Let's just gonna enjoy the time we have and be happy.
Your Best Friend.
Always, no matter where you are.
I have known you my whole life and as far as I can remember myself, we have been there for each other, we have always been best friends. And nothing in the world is ever going to change that. I know a lot has happened lately, I know that you have been through so much. And it must be so hard right now, but I want you to know that I support you as much as I can.
Your whole life is about to change soon. But I want you to be happy, even if that means that I won't be a part of your daily life anymore. Even if that means that we won't be able to do spontaneous reckless things together, even if that means I'm gonna have to say goodbye. I want you to know that I support you and your choices. And I think that you have made the right choice. You inspire me, going alone, so far away from everything that's familiar, going somewhere strange and distant, leaving home. I look up to you and think "That girl is brave". And I know you must be scared, I would, but I am sure that you're gonna do great! Because I believe in you.
You're like a sister to me, like a family. That's why this is so hard for me. I know that I'm not going to loose you, you'll always be a phone call away if I want to talk to you. But it just won't be the same. I am not going to be selfish. I'm happy about you, but so sad at the same time. I try to imagine how it will be, but my brain can't realise it yet. I can't imagine my life without you, my best friend. You can't be replaced. I know that a thing like this would have happened anyway sooner or later and that I'm probably overreacting and making a fool out of myself. But it's just so hard to let you go.
Remember, you can always count on my support, advice and understanding. I'm going to miss you so much. But right now I want to grab a bottle of martini asti and drink it with you, I know we still have time for that. That and a lot of other things. Let's just gonna enjoy the time we have and be happy.
Your Best Friend.
Always, no matter where you are.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Tears
It hurts. A lot. It's been weeks since I'm walking around with this large, empty hole in my chest. And it's not getting better. I'm suffering. I can't stand the pain anymore, I can't fight. I'm not strong enough, I'm not strong at all. I am weak and always will be. When the tears dry new ones wet my cheeks, new ones soak my pillow. Memories cut deep my already broken heart, my shattered heart. It's in a million pieces and each one belongs to you. If only you would take them all with you.
You left so suddenly, I wasn't prepared, but I could never be prepared, I could never forget. I will never forget. When you left you disapeared. I can't find you, I've tried. When you left, happiness left me too, it will never come back and you will be lost forever. I know I can't change anything, but I will die trying. I wish I could turn back time and live in the past, 'cause I can't face the future without you. You left me alone, you left my soul die.
It hurts so much to wake up alone. I can't look at the things you left behind, it's too hard, but sometimes, I take them out from where I've hid them and try to remember your scent, I try to remember the feeling when you held me in you arms, when you breathed on my neck, when you whispered 'I love you'. And then I cry. I cry for long, lonely hours and scream until I fall asleep. And when I wake up at night and see that I am so alone in this world, a part of me dies. And now every part of me is dead and I wish I could drawn in my own tears, I wish I would never wake up. I wish I was dreaming you still needed me and the dream would never end. Because I know that in reality that dream would never come true.
You left so suddenly, I wasn't prepared, but I could never be prepared, I could never forget. I will never forget. When you left you disapeared. I can't find you, I've tried. When you left, happiness left me too, it will never come back and you will be lost forever. I know I can't change anything, but I will die trying. I wish I could turn back time and live in the past, 'cause I can't face the future without you. You left me alone, you left my soul die.
It hurts so much to wake up alone. I can't look at the things you left behind, it's too hard, but sometimes, I take them out from where I've hid them and try to remember your scent, I try to remember the feeling when you held me in you arms, when you breathed on my neck, when you whispered 'I love you'. And then I cry. I cry for long, lonely hours and scream until I fall asleep. And when I wake up at night and see that I am so alone in this world, a part of me dies. And now every part of me is dead and I wish I could drawn in my own tears, I wish I would never wake up. I wish I was dreaming you still needed me and the dream would never end. Because I know that in reality that dream would never come true.
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