It's different

You know what? It's all changed. Everything. It's so different from what I expected. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. It's not me in the mirror, it's not me in my skin. It's a stranger. I've gone so far that I don't even recognize myself anymore. How did this happen? How did everything happen?

Life is like a train. And it feels like mine is going too fast and it has no driver. I should take the wheel in my hands and take control. But I don't. I'm letting the train go fast-forward while I'm sitting alone in the backseat. I don't want it to crash, but I'm afraid that might happen.

The things that used to matter to me are now gone. Sometimes I just don't know what I'm doing. And every day I have no clue of what's going to happen next. I'm afraid of letting go of the things that mean the most to me. I'm afraid of not living up to my full potential.

It's just different.

But if I'm still capable of writing this, then I know - it's me. Deep down behind the fake smile it's still me you're looking at.

Silence

It's been silent for a while. The shock, the pain is now gone. Although it still hurts, I can live with it. The silence continues, seems like it would never end. I've tried to stop it and I won't stop trying. But sometimes I get this terrible feeling, that it's all already over. And then I argue with myself. I tell myself that you would never do this and that I'm convinced It'll be ok in time. But honestly, I have no idea. I don't know what's going on in your head. I don't know if you still miss me, still think of me. I've got no guarantee for the future. All I can do is wait. But I'm tired from waiting. And what really scares me is that I doņ't trust myself, I really don't. Who knows what could happen. I can only imagine.
But I will never loose my faith in you. And all I have right now are the memories in my head and the promises you made when you left. I just have to believe.
That's all.
I wish it was that easy.

Tears

It hurts. A lot. It's been weeks since I'm walking around with this large, empty hole in my chest. And it's not getting better. I'm suffering. I can't stand the pain anymore, I can't fight. I'm not strong enough, I'm not strong at all. I am weak and always will be. When the tears dry new ones wet my cheeks, new ones soak my pillow. Memories cut deep my already broken heart, my shattered heart. It's in a million pieces and each one belongs to you. If only you would take them all with you.
You left so suddenly, I wasn't prepared, but I could never be prepared, I could never forget. I will never forget. When you left you disapeared. I can't find you, I've tried. When you left, happiness left me too, it will never come back and you will be lost forever. I know I can't change anything, but I will die trying. I wish I could turn back time and live in the past, 'cause I can't face the future without you. You left me alone, you left my soul die.
It hurts so much to wake up alone. I can't look at the things you left behind, it's too hard, but sometimes, I take them out from where I've hid them and try to remember your scent, I try to remember the feeling when you held me in you arms, when you breathed on my neck, when you whispered 'I love you'. And then I cry. I cry for long, lonely hours and scream until I fall asleep. And when I wake up at night and see that I am so alone in this world, a part of me dies. And now every part of me is dead and I wish I could drawn in my own tears, I wish I would never wake up. I wish I was dreaming you still needed me and the dream would never end. Because I know that in reality that dream would never come true.

Why are we so masochistic?

Why do we like to be afraid? What's wrong with us?

I like watching horror movies, I like to feel scared, feel the adrenalin rushing through my blood, I like the tension, it's like a drug. But why is that so?
Yesterday night I was watching "Meat Train" which was really scary and I started to think WHY AM I WATCHING THIS?!? It was so disgusting, but I kept watching. All the time I thought, that I will turn it off, but I didn't, I liked to feel the fear. And it made me think about this. Am I a masochist? And maybe in a way we all are. Even my mom kept watching "Meat Train" although she hated it and kept commenting what a awful movie this is. But she watched it to the end. And I can't figure out why is this happening? Why do we like to feel fear? Are we all really masochists? Is it because safe life is boring? we really need to feel threatened just to feel alive?

Thinking about this made me make my scariest horror film top 3:

1. "Paranormal Activity" This movie has left a trauma in my memory, seriously. Me and my friends watched it at night, home alone, it was breathtaking.
   
2. "Haunting In Connecticut" The same with this movie, only not so frightening
3. "The Exorcism Of Emily Rose" I went to the movie alone years ago, but it's made a deep impression. Even now the scariest hour for me is 3AM.
   

So let's keep living our safe boring lives. ;)

xoxo
SkinnyBoy