Habits

There are things about me, things you don’t know. There are habits – good and bad, that I never want to let go. There are things I’ll never stop doing and there are dreams I’ll always be dreaming.

Sometimes I close my eyes in the middle of the day and picture myself incredibly happy and then for a moment, I actually believe it. At certain times during the day, I make wishes, wishes that no one knows. Sometimes I keep wishing for the same thing until it comes true. When I walk the streets alone, I stare into windows and imagine who’s living there, what kind of life they have. I imagine their stories and their secrets until I almost believe it.

Whenever I see a couple or a family, I wonder, how it started for them, their first date, first kiss. Did they fell in love instantly? Or are they in love at all? Sometimes I think of old people, of their lost youth, past lovers and their regrets. I wonder if they’re happy, I wonder if they’re lonely. Maybe they’ve got a big, loving family, maybe they don’t have anyone, anyone at all. They used to be young, they used to be like us – They used to be us. Once a conversation with an old lady opened my eyes, made me understand that I have to take risks, I have to do what I believe in, I have to follow my heart. She had this pain in her heart – the lost love of her life. Is it true that you can truly love just once? And that you understand that only at the end? And what is the end exactly? Does life ends with the death of our body?

Sometimes I make up my own theories about things, about life and how nature works. Sometimes I think of the universe and the fact that it will shrink one day and everything will be lost, I can’t quite realize the thought of it.

There are times when I wonder of how things used to be. How people lived years ago and how the world looked like without all these cities and these roads. Other times I wonder of what I’m capable of. Could I leave everything and live alone in the mountains? Could I dedicate my whole existence unselfishly for something I believe in?

There are things I do that annoy other people. I have to sniff everything I eat. I sniff a lot of things, and I associate scents and perfumes with certain things and people. I love the smell of fresh paint, nail polish, new electronics and rubber. Sometimes I smell something I can’t recognize, but it reminds me of a certain memory or an emotion, brings me back to childhood. And sometimes because of a perfume I start liking or disliking someone.

There’s a lot of what I do that could be described as unnecessary or a waste of time. But it’s what makes me feel like me. Sometimes I overthink everything, sometimes I don’t think at all.

Well, this is me – the real me.

Forward

As I was standing in the crowd, watching all the people smile, celebrating the independence day, looking happy, I realised something. Later, I was walking the crowded streets with a coffee in my hand, looking gorgeous, but alone. I felt completely alone. All this time I've been holding on to something that's long since over. Something that doesn't exist anymore, something that's only in my head. I've been telling myself lies, although I knew the truth all the time, I didn't want to admit it. As hard as it is, but I have to move on. I have to stop torturing myself. And although it hurts like hell, but I have to let you go, completely let go.
From time to time I read the old text messages and letters, I have to delete them. I have to delete the number from my speed dial. I have to get rid of it all.
I need a new start, something new, someone fresh. I need someone to help me forget. I need to look forward. Move forward and not to look back.

'Maybe' is enough for now

Tears started rolling down my cheeks when I read your letter. Day by day when I was checking my email, only to hopelessly find it empty, I never thought that you might write back. I thought I was naive, that I was expecting too much. I was, actually. The words that struck me the most were not "I don't know when I might be back" or "I have no clue about the future". It was "I hope you will make the right decision and that you will be better if we stayed friends". Because I know there is no such thing as "friends" in our case.
We're all really so heartbroken and fucked up. Or is it just me? Everything I've put myself through in the last couple of months has been so pointless, I see that now. All the hopeless thoughts and hopes, dreams and accusations have been so unnecessary. I've done nothing wrong, I shouldn't have blamed myself for anything. We both made no promises, we had a compromise. A compromise I took too literary. I kept telling myself that it would all get back to the way it used to be, that I would just have to wait. But it will never be the way it used to be.
Maybe, in time, we could start over. Just maybe. But 'maybe' is enough for now. I will try not to get too attached to this idea. It's a long time. People change. We both have and we both will change even more. The thing is, I know my value. But what you deserve is someone else, something more. I want you to be happy, even if it means that you're happy without me. Even if it means that you're happy with someone else. I would hate that person, but I would respect him at the same time. Respect him for making you happy.
But this doesn't mean I'm giving up.
Time will show. But for now - thank you for everything, you're very special to me.

Silence

It's been silent for a while. The shock, the pain is now gone. Although it still hurts, I can live with it. The silence continues, seems like it would never end. I've tried to stop it and I won't stop trying. But sometimes I get this terrible feeling, that it's all already over. And then I argue with myself. I tell myself that you would never do this and that I'm convinced It'll be ok in time. But honestly, I have no idea. I don't know what's going on in your head. I don't know if you still miss me, still think of me. I've got no guarantee for the future. All I can do is wait. But I'm tired from waiting. And what really scares me is that I doņ't trust myself, I really don't. Who knows what could happen. I can only imagine.
But I will never loose my faith in you. And all I have right now are the memories in my head and the promises you made when you left. I just have to believe.
That's all.
I wish it was that easy.

Ocean

Sometimes I feel like drowning in my own head. Choking with my thoughts as they fill my lungs like water. My mind's turned into this deep ocean - new, mysterious & dangerous. It's unexplored. Who knows what could be hiding there. Sharks, monsters and ship wrecks.
The water's freezing cold, 'cause in my mind it's already winter. There's a huge storm in the distance, coming closer every minute. And the harsh, restless wind is keeping me awake. But all I want is to fall into unconsciousness and sleep. Dream. To dream of the lazy mornings and unforgettable nights, the warmth of your touch, the way you look at me, the way you kiss me. Your eyes, your lips, all of you... You're stuck in my head.
You're somewhere far from the ocean, someplace warm. While I'm here, drowning in my own head.

Wings

The choices I've made have gotten me here. Everything happens for a purpose. Mistakes are made so we could learn from them. And with everything new comes new experience. And if you're being good, you're gonna get it back. Patience pays. And when the right time comes, everything else fades away. Hours seemed to last for years, days were empty, my mind was blank. And after what seemed a really long time, I got them back. I got my wings back. It was weird to learn how to fly once again, but I'm a fast learner. This time I was more careful, I didn't fly so high anymore. But when you took me by the hand I couldn't help it, I burst up in the sky. Faster and higher flying towards happiness. That is where I'm going. I'm actually there already, I'm just flying further in it. Exploring new tastes and colors, giving the world more smiles. And you're giving me more reasons to keep smiling and be happy. And next thing I knew - I fell in love with you. And I am sure of myself. That's why I had to tell it to you. And then we kissed. It felt so good. You taste like summer, rain & peppermints. And now everything's different. I'm yours, I am.

Want

I want to go to Paris. I want to wake up someplace new. I want to meet people I like, I want to do things I love. I want to live like I've got all eternity ahead of me. I want to live without fear, without routine, without problems and worries. I want to scream out loud of joy on a street full of people. I want to dance in the rain and laugh like I'm insane. I want to live like every day's a holiday. I want my face to hurt from smiles. I want the fresh summer morning air to fill my lungs. I want to dive from a cliff in a crystal clear blue lake. I want to drive fast in a car and let the wind play with my hair. I want go shopping not caring how much money I spend. I want to bake cookies with smiley faces on them. I want to go on an endless roadtrip without a destination. I want to sleep under the bright night stars. I want to have fun no matter what I do.
I want to do it all with you.

The play without the plot

Life is challenging. Remember, I said I like challenges? I do, I really do. And this year so far, I have been winning them, I just hope this keeps going on. I just hope the luck doesn't run out. I've had my first breakdowns, first fights, first romances and a first of everything else. Every thing's a first, 'cause it's my new life, the one I promised myself to live. To live & be happy, that is what I said. but I can't promise that, can I? I can only hope. Someone once told me that happiness is a mood, not a destination. Then what is the destination? Where am I headed for? Or am I just freelancing on my own? 'Cause I don't really have a plan, I let things happen, good or bad, but they happen. I think they call that faith. But what is in charge of us? Is it faith or is it just us? Maybe faith is something abstract, something imaginary and all we have is our free will. And to be honest, I don't know what to do with it. I have this weird sensation of knowing what I want from life in general and being completely clueless what to do with it at the same time. So I keep freelancing. I am on my own.

I decide to forgive or to forget, to love or to hate.

And so I have decided.

I will forgive the person who made me smile.

I will forget the times I cried.

I will love myself.

I will hate... I don't know what to hate.

Tell them

Look into my tired eyes and tell my story. Share my secrets. Reveal my thoughts. Show them what I have to hide. Look carefully. Can you see my soul? Can you see my heart? Is it broken or is it still beating? Is there any love inside me? Or is there hate? What kind of person am I? Am I good or am I bad? Have I sinned? You know we all have. Are my sins forgiven? Am I forgiven? Look inside me. Every dark corner, every hidden thought. Look behind the shadows, 'cause what's in the spotlight is only half true. Or maybe lies. Maybe I'm full of lies. Then what is true? Search for the truth. There is a truth behind every single lie I make. Tell them the truth. You tell them, 'cause I never will. I've never had.
Look more carefully. And tell everyone. Tell them while I'm hiding my eyes behind the tears. Shout it out if you have to. But I won't listen. I will hide. And I will drawn in my tears not even bothering to try gasping for air. It won't matter anymore if they knew the truth.

Kiss me and say goodbye

Things are happening too fast. I don't know you that long, but you act like we're a couple. But we're not. And I don't like that you try to control me. I can't be controlled. I live beyond the borders. Although it feels so great when we are together. It doesn't feel like that when we are separate. You call me too often. Even at night. You woke me up at 5am. And you ask me why I turned off my phone? I can't live like this. Because of you I don't get to see my friends. I am late for school and I can't do my homework. You keep me up at nights. I know it feels so right when I fall asleep next to you. And when I wake up and see your eyes still so dreamy, but focused on mine. It feels so great when you kiss me, when you smile, when you hold me in your arms, when you say you want me. I want you too, but not like this. Not all the time, not every night. I have a life too, I can't always be there for you. I have obligations, I can't keep living like this. When I think of it, I really don't want to do this, but this must end. We can't be together. It will be hard for me to say goodbye, but next time you call, I will tell you everything. I don't want you to hate me, I don't. But I don't want you to love me. I can't be loved. This must end. Before I can admit that I might actualy be in love with you.