It's different

You know what? It's all changed. Everything. It's so different from what I expected. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. It's not me in the mirror, it's not me in my skin. It's a stranger. I've gone so far that I don't even recognize myself anymore. How did this happen? How did everything happen?

Life is like a train. And it feels like mine is going too fast and it has no driver. I should take the wheel in my hands and take control. But I don't. I'm letting the train go fast-forward while I'm sitting alone in the backseat. I don't want it to crash, but I'm afraid that might happen.

The things that used to matter to me are now gone. Sometimes I just don't know what I'm doing. And every day I have no clue of what's going to happen next. I'm afraid of letting go of the things that mean the most to me. I'm afraid of not living up to my full potential.

It's just different.

But if I'm still capable of writing this, then I know - it's me. Deep down behind the fake smile it's still me you're looking at.

Every Shade Of Gray

Sometimes I wish I could be gray. I wish I could hide, that no one would see me, I wish I could disappear. I wish I was in my own little world with my own rules and with my own understanding of what's right and what's wrong. But gray is the complete opposite of who I am and who I want to be. I always stand out in a crowd, I always take charge of everyone, I'm always the one who's everything but gray. I guess I'm just tired of it all and right now all I want is to REST! This year has been just too intense and I wish that I could just stop the time for a moment, or more than a moment. I just need a week or two off. I need some time for myself, I want to be more selfish and do things for me, not to others, I need to relax, I need to be the one who's standing aside. I want to be gray. Just for a moment, for a week or two, I need to disconnect from life around me and live just for myself. Is that really so selfish?