Perfection

Have you ever felt unhappy although everything seems to be ok? Have you ever felt as if you're loosing control of your life? Have you ever understood that what you're doing is not what you want to do at all? Well, I have. I do.
I'm not myself lately. I keep feeling trapped and emotionally uncomfortable. I feel distant. I worked for something so much and saw my dream crash in front of me, so I had to come up with another plan. And the way this plan has been going does not satisfy me at all. Something that I thought I wanted is actually the complete opposite. Every day when I get up for work I have to wear this mask, I have to pretend, I have to lie. I have to hear countless accusations that I disagree with. And after a few months, I now understand how much I hate what I do. How much I hate my work.
I want to take control, I want to change things, I want a fresh start. You see, I'm a perfectionist and it's my curse. I can't feel happy unless everything's perfect, unless things are going my way, unless I'm loved and cared about. I find calmness in perfection. And it's something I hate about myself, because how many days have been perfect actually? A few. So can I say I'm a happy person?

Some say that things don't have to be perfect to be beautiful. Others say that perfect is boring. One of the definitions for perfection is 'a quality, trait, feature of the highest degree of excellence'. But what do I think of perfection? I think that perfection is when you do what you love, when you have high goals, when you love someone and you're being loved. That's perfection and it makes me happy. It'll all be perfect, it has to be.

Choices

I've been busy for a while, I still am. Busy with taking hold of my life, cause it was going a direction I hadn't planned, hadn't wanted. I always thought of myself as decisive, but now I see that I'm not. I can't make a simple choice. Well, but maybe the choices aren't that simple.
It's as if one part of my life has ended and from swimming in the pool I've moved to the sea. People are expecting so much from me, and I can't let them down. If I do that - I'm finished, my chance would be over. It's my philosophy of life that the choices you make define who you are and who you'll be in the future. And here I am, not being able to make a choice, not being able to say 'No'. So I remain silent.
We should choose wisely who we trust, who we tell our plans. And for that matter, I'm gonna shut my mouth a little.
And I understand that I can't run away from such decisions, but I'm still doing it, avoiding my problems, putting them aside, as if it was a solution.
It's not.

It's different

You know what? It's all changed. Everything. It's so different from what I expected. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. It's not me in the mirror, it's not me in my skin. It's a stranger. I've gone so far that I don't even recognize myself anymore. How did this happen? How did everything happen?

Life is like a train. And it feels like mine is going too fast and it has no driver. I should take the wheel in my hands and take control. But I don't. I'm letting the train go fast-forward while I'm sitting alone in the backseat. I don't want it to crash, but I'm afraid that might happen.

The things that used to matter to me are now gone. Sometimes I just don't know what I'm doing. And every day I have no clue of what's going to happen next. I'm afraid of letting go of the things that mean the most to me. I'm afraid of not living up to my full potential.

It's just different.

But if I'm still capable of writing this, then I know - it's me. Deep down behind the fake smile it's still me you're looking at.

Forward

As I was standing in the crowd, watching all the people smile, celebrating the independence day, looking happy, I realised something. Later, I was walking the crowded streets with a coffee in my hand, looking gorgeous, but alone. I felt completely alone. All this time I've been holding on to something that's long since over. Something that doesn't exist anymore, something that's only in my head. I've been telling myself lies, although I knew the truth all the time, I didn't want to admit it. As hard as it is, but I have to move on. I have to stop torturing myself. And although it hurts like hell, but I have to let you go, completely let go.
From time to time I read the old text messages and letters, I have to delete them. I have to delete the number from my speed dial. I have to get rid of it all.
I need a new start, something new, someone fresh. I need someone to help me forget. I need to look forward. Move forward and not to look back.

'Maybe' is enough for now

Tears started rolling down my cheeks when I read your letter. Day by day when I was checking my email, only to hopelessly find it empty, I never thought that you might write back. I thought I was naive, that I was expecting too much. I was, actually. The words that struck me the most were not "I don't know when I might be back" or "I have no clue about the future". It was "I hope you will make the right decision and that you will be better if we stayed friends". Because I know there is no such thing as "friends" in our case.
We're all really so heartbroken and fucked up. Or is it just me? Everything I've put myself through in the last couple of months has been so pointless, I see that now. All the hopeless thoughts and hopes, dreams and accusations have been so unnecessary. I've done nothing wrong, I shouldn't have blamed myself for anything. We both made no promises, we had a compromise. A compromise I took too literary. I kept telling myself that it would all get back to the way it used to be, that I would just have to wait. But it will never be the way it used to be.
Maybe, in time, we could start over. Just maybe. But 'maybe' is enough for now. I will try not to get too attached to this idea. It's a long time. People change. We both have and we both will change even more. The thing is, I know my value. But what you deserve is someone else, something more. I want you to be happy, even if it means that you're happy without me. Even if it means that you're happy with someone else. I would hate that person, but I would respect him at the same time. Respect him for making you happy.
But this doesn't mean I'm giving up.
Time will show. But for now - thank you for everything, you're very special to me.

Ocean

Sometimes I feel like drowning in my own head. Choking with my thoughts as they fill my lungs like water. My mind's turned into this deep ocean - new, mysterious & dangerous. It's unexplored. Who knows what could be hiding there. Sharks, monsters and ship wrecks.
The water's freezing cold, 'cause in my mind it's already winter. There's a huge storm in the distance, coming closer every minute. And the harsh, restless wind is keeping me awake. But all I want is to fall into unconsciousness and sleep. Dream. To dream of the lazy mornings and unforgettable nights, the warmth of your touch, the way you look at me, the way you kiss me. Your eyes, your lips, all of you... You're stuck in my head.
You're somewhere far from the ocean, someplace warm. While I'm here, drowning in my own head.

A Letter

There's something I have to get off my chest. There's something I want to tell you, but can't find the right words. But I am going to try.
I have known you my whole life and as far as I can remember myself, we have been there for each other, we have always been best friends. And nothing in the world is ever going to change that. I know a lot has happened lately, I know that you have been through so much. And it must be so hard right now, but I want you to know that I support you as much as I can.
Your whole life is about to change soon. But I want you to be happy, even if that means that I won't be a part of your daily life anymore. Even if that means that we won't be able to do spontaneous reckless things together, even if that means I'm gonna have to say goodbye. I want you to know that I support you and your choices. And I think that you have made the right choice. You inspire me, going alone, so far away from everything that's familiar, going somewhere strange and distant, leaving home. I look up to you and think "That girl is brave". And I know you must be scared, I would, but I am sure that you're gonna do great! Because I believe in you.
You're like a sister to me, like a family. That's why this is so hard for me. I know that I'm not going to loose you, you'll always be a phone call away if I want to talk to you. But it just won't be the same. I am not going to be selfish. I'm happy about you, but so sad at the same time. I try to imagine how it will be, but my brain can't realise it yet. I can't imagine my life without you, my best friend. You can't be replaced. I know that a thing like this would have happened anyway sooner or later and that I'm probably overreacting and making a fool out of myself. But it's just so hard to let you go.
Remember, you can always count on my support, advice and understanding. I'm going to miss you so much. But right now I want to grab a bottle of martini asti and drink it with you, I know we still have time for that. That and a lot of other things. Let's just gonna enjoy the time we have and be happy.

Your Best Friend.
Always, no matter where you are.

Road

It's the road that's ahead of me in all its endless glory. It's gonna take me by the hand and throw me ahead, pushing me, ignoring any speed limits. I don't need to think, I just need to let the road take over me, over my heart, my brain. It's gonna lead me, it's gonna show me how to live, not only survive. I do not exist, I am alive. It's gonna teach me courage, it's gonna teach me to be strong. It's gonna tell me things I shouldn't know. It's gonna show me things I shouldn't see. And I'm gonna do things I shouldn't do. I'm gonna be bad, I'm gonna be mean. I'm gonna get what I want. I already have. Cause I'm the road. And the road is me.

A fresh start

My new life starts today. Forget who I was and get used to the person I've become. You don't have to like me, the most important thing is that I love myself. That is all that matters. I love myself more than others, so others can't hurt me anymore. There is this wall in front of me. And I'm not letting anyone to go around it. I am locked in my own world where I am in charge, where I make decisions. And for the first time in a long time there is a smile on my lips when I am writing. And this smile comes from the heart. It's not a mask, it's not a lie. It's me. I've killed a part of my past, a part that was haunting me. And now when it's dead, I can start with a fresh view to the world.
And so much is gonna change now. Everything is about to change. Everyone & everything around me is gonna be new. I will have new challenges, I have new goals. A new life, a fresh start. That's what I wanted and that is what I got.
This year is a blank page, but it's about to change soon. There are gonna be new stories, new secrets, new adventures. It's all out there, waiting for me. And I am gonna throw myself into it. and I won't look back. I won't.
I'm not a little naive boy anymore, I have grown up. That is how I feel. I feel grown up. And it's a good thing.

Bring back the memories

Tonight after a jog in the dark. I was siting on the stairs outside and watching around. I remember seeing this view with child eyes. Everything has changed. But deep inside I know that nothing has changed, I'm the one who's changed. I've grown up. And now I saw the same things with adults eyes. Where did the little boy in the old pictures go? Is he still somewhere buried deep inside me? Or is he gone? Tonight I want to bring him out, to run freely and laugh, to play hide and seek, to play ball, act childish, I want to smile for no reason, I want to live like this once again. Where did all my friends go? I still have two childhood friends and they are the best ones. But where did the rest of them go? Right now I want to see them all and play in the sandbox. I miss my bright blond hair I had then. And those bright eyes. I miss the energy I had. I miss me. Will I ever see him again? That little boy. Will he ever come back? Is he still a part of me? I know I ask a lot of questions, but it's because I don't have the answers.

Funny how everything changes

It's Easter break. [well, not for me, but anyway I'm home all day 'cause I'm sick] I remember when I was younger [I know I'm still young ;D] I liked all the Easter traditions, like coloring eggs, battling with them and so on, but now it's just annoying. It was the same with Christmas, I used to like making ginger breads and pasties with my mom, but now, I'm just too tired for all that. Could this mean I'm all grown up?

It's funny how my thoughts have changed over the last few years, in this one especially. I just feel like I'm not the same person I was yesterday. And what will be tomorrow? And after a year? What will happen to my dreams and goals? Will I still try to fulfill them? Or will I have new ones? What will happen with my friends, it feels like I have nothing in common with some of them even now. Are they still my friends or maybe only persons to say "Hi!" to. I'm scared of loosing myself, I'm scared of becoming someone else, someone that's not me. But on the other hand, all I want is to be better and maybe I'm not good enough and I have to change everything about me? Who am I asking these questions to? Myself? You? If not, then who? I feel like I'm just screaming towards a dark abyss and all I can hear is my echo screaming back at me, but only louder. What if these changes are bad? What if I make the wrong decisions and ruin my life? And how am I supposed to know what is right and what's wrong?

SkinnyBoy
xoxo