'Maybe' is enough for now

Tears started rolling down my cheeks when I read your letter. Day by day when I was checking my email, only to hopelessly find it empty, I never thought that you might write back. I thought I was naive, that I was expecting too much. I was, actually. The words that struck me the most were not "I don't know when I might be back" or "I have no clue about the future". It was "I hope you will make the right decision and that you will be better if we stayed friends". Because I know there is no such thing as "friends" in our case.
We're all really so heartbroken and fucked up. Or is it just me? Everything I've put myself through in the last couple of months has been so pointless, I see that now. All the hopeless thoughts and hopes, dreams and accusations have been so unnecessary. I've done nothing wrong, I shouldn't have blamed myself for anything. We both made no promises, we had a compromise. A compromise I took too literary. I kept telling myself that it would all get back to the way it used to be, that I would just have to wait. But it will never be the way it used to be.
Maybe, in time, we could start over. Just maybe. But 'maybe' is enough for now. I will try not to get too attached to this idea. It's a long time. People change. We both have and we both will change even more. The thing is, I know my value. But what you deserve is someone else, something more. I want you to be happy, even if it means that you're happy without me. Even if it means that you're happy with someone else. I would hate that person, but I would respect him at the same time. Respect him for making you happy.
But this doesn't mean I'm giving up.
Time will show. But for now - thank you for everything, you're very special to me.

Ocean

Sometimes I feel like drowning in my own head. Choking with my thoughts as they fill my lungs like water. My mind's turned into this deep ocean - new, mysterious & dangerous. It's unexplored. Who knows what could be hiding there. Sharks, monsters and ship wrecks.
The water's freezing cold, 'cause in my mind it's already winter. There's a huge storm in the distance, coming closer every minute. And the harsh, restless wind is keeping me awake. But all I want is to fall into unconsciousness and sleep. Dream. To dream of the lazy mornings and unforgettable nights, the warmth of your touch, the way you look at me, the way you kiss me. Your eyes, your lips, all of you... You're stuck in my head.
You're somewhere far from the ocean, someplace warm. While I'm here, drowning in my own head.

Wings

The choices I've made have gotten me here. Everything happens for a purpose. Mistakes are made so we could learn from them. And with everything new comes new experience. And if you're being good, you're gonna get it back. Patience pays. And when the right time comes, everything else fades away. Hours seemed to last for years, days were empty, my mind was blank. And after what seemed a really long time, I got them back. I got my wings back. It was weird to learn how to fly once again, but I'm a fast learner. This time I was more careful, I didn't fly so high anymore. But when you took me by the hand I couldn't help it, I burst up in the sky. Faster and higher flying towards happiness. That is where I'm going. I'm actually there already, I'm just flying further in it. Exploring new tastes and colors, giving the world more smiles. And you're giving me more reasons to keep smiling and be happy. And next thing I knew - I fell in love with you. And I am sure of myself. That's why I had to tell it to you. And then we kissed. It felt so good. You taste like summer, rain & peppermints. And now everything's different. I'm yours, I am.

Tears

It hurts. A lot. It's been weeks since I'm walking around with this large, empty hole in my chest. And it's not getting better. I'm suffering. I can't stand the pain anymore, I can't fight. I'm not strong enough, I'm not strong at all. I am weak and always will be. When the tears dry new ones wet my cheeks, new ones soak my pillow. Memories cut deep my already broken heart, my shattered heart. It's in a million pieces and each one belongs to you. If only you would take them all with you.
You left so suddenly, I wasn't prepared, but I could never be prepared, I could never forget. I will never forget. When you left you disapeared. I can't find you, I've tried. When you left, happiness left me too, it will never come back and you will be lost forever. I know I can't change anything, but I will die trying. I wish I could turn back time and live in the past, 'cause I can't face the future without you. You left me alone, you left my soul die.
It hurts so much to wake up alone. I can't look at the things you left behind, it's too hard, but sometimes, I take them out from where I've hid them and try to remember your scent, I try to remember the feeling when you held me in you arms, when you breathed on my neck, when you whispered 'I love you'. And then I cry. I cry for long, lonely hours and scream until I fall asleep. And when I wake up at night and see that I am so alone in this world, a part of me dies. And now every part of me is dead and I wish I could drawn in my own tears, I wish I would never wake up. I wish I was dreaming you still needed me and the dream would never end. Because I know that in reality that dream would never come true.

Bring back the memories

Tonight after a jog in the dark. I was siting on the stairs outside and watching around. I remember seeing this view with child eyes. Everything has changed. But deep inside I know that nothing has changed, I'm the one who's changed. I've grown up. And now I saw the same things with adults eyes. Where did the little boy in the old pictures go? Is he still somewhere buried deep inside me? Or is he gone? Tonight I want to bring him out, to run freely and laugh, to play hide and seek, to play ball, act childish, I want to smile for no reason, I want to live like this once again. Where did all my friends go? I still have two childhood friends and they are the best ones. But where did the rest of them go? Right now I want to see them all and play in the sandbox. I miss my bright blond hair I had then. And those bright eyes. I miss the energy I had. I miss me. Will I ever see him again? That little boy. Will he ever come back? Is he still a part of me? I know I ask a lot of questions, but it's because I don't have the answers.

Not the same me

Some of my so called "old friends" have started to write and call me. And I hate it. I have changed and those are the people I don't want in my life anymore. I remember those dark, depressive days and I don't want to return and I don't want to see anyone I considered my "friend" at that time. Leave me alone, let me go on with my life, I won't let you drag me down, not again, not ever. I'm not the same person, not the same Aleksis. Don't bother and never even remember me.
"I've got a new world in my view". Like the lyrics of the song. I have completely changed in the last two years, I'm not the same person, I don't even look like the old me. I have deleted that part of my life and it does not feel good to remember and those people really don't get it that we have nothing in common? Nothing at all! I'm on the right path now and I'm not stepping off of it, I know my goals and I'm gonna reach them, I won't let anyone stand in my way. The life I had is not the one I want, but trust me, no one will drag me back! I'm strong and I can make the right decisions.

Regret nothing

I need to learn how not to regret things. I've done many things I'm not proud of in my life. I've made so many mistakes. Regret is the worst feeling. I wish I could turn back time and fix it all. Or if I could just forget everything. All the bad memories (believe me I've got many of them) I wish I could lock them in the deepest corner of my mind. But I can't run from the past. I need to find a way how to live with it.
But on the other hand we only live once. I shouldn't look back, only forward. I should be strong. Why is it so hard to forget the things that you want to forget the most? I wish my memories had a "Delete" button. "Play" and "Pause" would be great for the best ones.
I have to learn how to live with the past. Ok, it's not that bad, it's not like I have killed anyone or been in prison. But there is a part of my life that I am not proud of.
I promise myself to be strong, at least to try being strong. I'm gonna have a different look at the world. Everything happens for good, right? Then maybe everything is how it's supposed to be. We learn from our mistakes. I have much to learn, in that case, I'm a bad student. Writing this down is making me feel a lot better.
Despite this depressive post I am happy. There is someone who makes me smile all the time, the one will understand. ^^