This one's for you

It's official. I am happy. My face doesn't lie, my smile doesn't lie. I don't lie. I finally don't lie. I'm true. And I have been waiting for the truth to come. And it came. It finally came. The way my eyes sparkle, the way my laughter fills the room, the way it fills the space between us. And as the space narrows, as our lips comes closer, I realise. I realise that you're the one I'm happy with. The one I don't have to pretend with. The one I don't have to lie to. The one. You are the one. One and only. You can feel special, you know you do. And you are special, you're in my heart. And you're not getting out so easily, you are staying.
It's hard to describe the feeling inside. "Like" is not exactly how I feel about you, it's something stronger, something more. It's something I can't defined, something new, something worth fighting for, you're worth fighting for. You make me happy. And happiness is something I had lost. It's something I needed to find. And you gave it to me. And now we're sharing it.
And when your eyes set to mine, when your gentle lips kiss me, everything fades away, but only you remain. And then I smile, I kiss you on the forehead and smile. Be mine.

The play without the plot

Life is challenging. Remember, I said I like challenges? I do, I really do. And this year so far, I have been winning them, I just hope this keeps going on. I just hope the luck doesn't run out. I've had my first breakdowns, first fights, first romances and a first of everything else. Every thing's a first, 'cause it's my new life, the one I promised myself to live. To live & be happy, that is what I said. but I can't promise that, can I? I can only hope. Someone once told me that happiness is a mood, not a destination. Then what is the destination? Where am I headed for? Or am I just freelancing on my own? 'Cause I don't really have a plan, I let things happen, good or bad, but they happen. I think they call that faith. But what is in charge of us? Is it faith or is it just us? Maybe faith is something abstract, something imaginary and all we have is our free will. And to be honest, I don't know what to do with it. I have this weird sensation of knowing what I want from life in general and being completely clueless what to do with it at the same time. So I keep freelancing. I am on my own.

I decide to forgive or to forget, to love or to hate.

And so I have decided.

I will forgive the person who made me smile.

I will forget the times I cried.

I will love myself.

I will hate... I don't know what to hate.

A fresh start

My new life starts today. Forget who I was and get used to the person I've become. You don't have to like me, the most important thing is that I love myself. That is all that matters. I love myself more than others, so others can't hurt me anymore. There is this wall in front of me. And I'm not letting anyone to go around it. I am locked in my own world where I am in charge, where I make decisions. And for the first time in a long time there is a smile on my lips when I am writing. And this smile comes from the heart. It's not a mask, it's not a lie. It's me. I've killed a part of my past, a part that was haunting me. And now when it's dead, I can start with a fresh view to the world.
And so much is gonna change now. Everything is about to change. Everyone & everything around me is gonna be new. I will have new challenges, I have new goals. A new life, a fresh start. That's what I wanted and that is what I got.
This year is a blank page, but it's about to change soon. There are gonna be new stories, new secrets, new adventures. It's all out there, waiting for me. And I am gonna throw myself into it. and I won't look back. I won't.
I'm not a little naive boy anymore, I have grown up. That is how I feel. I feel grown up. And it's a good thing.

Tears

It hurts. A lot. It's been weeks since I'm walking around with this large, empty hole in my chest. And it's not getting better. I'm suffering. I can't stand the pain anymore, I can't fight. I'm not strong enough, I'm not strong at all. I am weak and always will be. When the tears dry new ones wet my cheeks, new ones soak my pillow. Memories cut deep my already broken heart, my shattered heart. It's in a million pieces and each one belongs to you. If only you would take them all with you.
You left so suddenly, I wasn't prepared, but I could never be prepared, I could never forget. I will never forget. When you left you disapeared. I can't find you, I've tried. When you left, happiness left me too, it will never come back and you will be lost forever. I know I can't change anything, but I will die trying. I wish I could turn back time and live in the past, 'cause I can't face the future without you. You left me alone, you left my soul die.
It hurts so much to wake up alone. I can't look at the things you left behind, it's too hard, but sometimes, I take them out from where I've hid them and try to remember your scent, I try to remember the feeling when you held me in you arms, when you breathed on my neck, when you whispered 'I love you'. And then I cry. I cry for long, lonely hours and scream until I fall asleep. And when I wake up at night and see that I am so alone in this world, a part of me dies. And now every part of me is dead and I wish I could drawn in my own tears, I wish I would never wake up. I wish I was dreaming you still needed me and the dream would never end. Because I know that in reality that dream would never come true.

Tell them

Look into my tired eyes and tell my story. Share my secrets. Reveal my thoughts. Show them what I have to hide. Look carefully. Can you see my soul? Can you see my heart? Is it broken or is it still beating? Is there any love inside me? Or is there hate? What kind of person am I? Am I good or am I bad? Have I sinned? You know we all have. Are my sins forgiven? Am I forgiven? Look inside me. Every dark corner, every hidden thought. Look behind the shadows, 'cause what's in the spotlight is only half true. Or maybe lies. Maybe I'm full of lies. Then what is true? Search for the truth. There is a truth behind every single lie I make. Tell them the truth. You tell them, 'cause I never will. I've never had.
Look more carefully. And tell everyone. Tell them while I'm hiding my eyes behind the tears. Shout it out if you have to. But I won't listen. I will hide. And I will drawn in my tears not even bothering to try gasping for air. It won't matter anymore if they knew the truth.

Your burning touch

I see my breath hanging in the cold morning air. The sun is gone, it's been a while since I felt the sun gently touching my skin, warming me, calming me. But I don't need no sun. I've got you. You're not only warming me, you're making me feel hot, you make me feel safe and protected. I know it can be difficult with me, but you seem to manage it. And you manage it perfectly. Everything about you attracts me to you, you're like a magnet and I can only let myself been drawn to you. You are my gravity, my reality. I don't need dreams when reality is much better than any dream I've had before.
Every time you kiss me, my lips are set on fire and every time you smile, my heart is burning too. Just a single touch makes my skin burn. Just a single look makes me smile. And just a single word makes my heart fly. I wish that every morning I woke up next to you. The distance can be hard to bare, but I can manage it, I am strong. And so are you. You're stronger, a lot stronger than me.
Tonight I'll go to sleep and dream of your kisses. I miss them. I miss you. I know you do too. But I can wait. For you I am ready to do everything. And I mean it.

Kiss me and say goodbye

Things are happening too fast. I don't know you that long, but you act like we're a couple. But we're not. And I don't like that you try to control me. I can't be controlled. I live beyond the borders. Although it feels so great when we are together. It doesn't feel like that when we are separate. You call me too often. Even at night. You woke me up at 5am. And you ask me why I turned off my phone? I can't live like this. Because of you I don't get to see my friends. I am late for school and I can't do my homework. You keep me up at nights. I know it feels so right when I fall asleep next to you. And when I wake up and see your eyes still so dreamy, but focused on mine. It feels so great when you kiss me, when you smile, when you hold me in your arms, when you say you want me. I want you too, but not like this. Not all the time, not every night. I have a life too, I can't always be there for you. I have obligations, I can't keep living like this. When I think of it, I really don't want to do this, but this must end. We can't be together. It will be hard for me to say goodbye, but next time you call, I will tell you everything. I don't want you to hate me, I don't. But I don't want you to love me. I can't be loved. This must end. Before I can admit that I might actualy be in love with you.