Perfection

Have you ever felt unhappy although everything seems to be ok? Have you ever felt as if you're loosing control of your life? Have you ever understood that what you're doing is not what you want to do at all? Well, I have. I do.
I'm not myself lately. I keep feeling trapped and emotionally uncomfortable. I feel distant. I worked for something so much and saw my dream crash in front of me, so I had to come up with another plan. And the way this plan has been going does not satisfy me at all. Something that I thought I wanted is actually the complete opposite. Every day when I get up for work I have to wear this mask, I have to pretend, I have to lie. I have to hear countless accusations that I disagree with. And after a few months, I now understand how much I hate what I do. How much I hate my work.
I want to take control, I want to change things, I want a fresh start. You see, I'm a perfectionist and it's my curse. I can't feel happy unless everything's perfect, unless things are going my way, unless I'm loved and cared about. I find calmness in perfection. And it's something I hate about myself, because how many days have been perfect actually? A few. So can I say I'm a happy person?

Some say that things don't have to be perfect to be beautiful. Others say that perfect is boring. One of the definitions for perfection is 'a quality, trait, feature of the highest degree of excellence'. But what do I think of perfection? I think that perfection is when you do what you love, when you have high goals, when you love someone and you're being loved. That's perfection and it makes me happy. It'll all be perfect, it has to be.

Choices

I've been busy for a while, I still am. Busy with taking hold of my life, cause it was going a direction I hadn't planned, hadn't wanted. I always thought of myself as decisive, but now I see that I'm not. I can't make a simple choice. Well, but maybe the choices aren't that simple.
It's as if one part of my life has ended and from swimming in the pool I've moved to the sea. People are expecting so much from me, and I can't let them down. If I do that - I'm finished, my chance would be over. It's my philosophy of life that the choices you make define who you are and who you'll be in the future. And here I am, not being able to make a choice, not being able to say 'No'. So I remain silent.
We should choose wisely who we trust, who we tell our plans. And for that matter, I'm gonna shut my mouth a little.
And I understand that I can't run away from such decisions, but I'm still doing it, avoiding my problems, putting them aside, as if it was a solution.
It's not.

The City

It was one of those nights when the whole city felt alive. As I walked in the darkness through the misty rain, I felt the city breathing. It breathed in a peaceful rhythm and as the fresh night air stroked my skin, I knew the city was alive. I could hear its heartbeats in every little raindrop hitting the dark pavement. And in this early hour I was all alone on the lantern-lit streets. And so the city walked with me. It knew where I was going, it came to say goodbye. It came to wish me luck. And I knew right then that this city will miss me, I'm its friend. And when I stood under the glass-tile roof, I could see the citys energy vibing from the ground, going upwards - towards the rain. The city was crying when I left, I whispered 'I'm not leaving you, not just jet.'

It's different

You know what? It's all changed. Everything. It's so different from what I expected. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. It's not me in the mirror, it's not me in my skin. It's a stranger. I've gone so far that I don't even recognize myself anymore. How did this happen? How did everything happen?

Life is like a train. And it feels like mine is going too fast and it has no driver. I should take the wheel in my hands and take control. But I don't. I'm letting the train go fast-forward while I'm sitting alone in the backseat. I don't want it to crash, but I'm afraid that might happen.

The things that used to matter to me are now gone. Sometimes I just don't know what I'm doing. And every day I have no clue of what's going to happen next. I'm afraid of letting go of the things that mean the most to me. I'm afraid of not living up to my full potential.

It's just different.

But if I'm still capable of writing this, then I know - it's me. Deep down behind the fake smile it's still me you're looking at.

Forward

As I was standing in the crowd, watching all the people smile, celebrating the independence day, looking happy, I realised something. Later, I was walking the crowded streets with a coffee in my hand, looking gorgeous, but alone. I felt completely alone. All this time I've been holding on to something that's long since over. Something that doesn't exist anymore, something that's only in my head. I've been telling myself lies, although I knew the truth all the time, I didn't want to admit it. As hard as it is, but I have to move on. I have to stop torturing myself. And although it hurts like hell, but I have to let you go, completely let go.
From time to time I read the old text messages and letters, I have to delete them. I have to delete the number from my speed dial. I have to get rid of it all.
I need a new start, something new, someone fresh. I need someone to help me forget. I need to look forward. Move forward and not to look back.

'Maybe' is enough for now

Tears started rolling down my cheeks when I read your letter. Day by day when I was checking my email, only to hopelessly find it empty, I never thought that you might write back. I thought I was naive, that I was expecting too much. I was, actually. The words that struck me the most were not "I don't know when I might be back" or "I have no clue about the future". It was "I hope you will make the right decision and that you will be better if we stayed friends". Because I know there is no such thing as "friends" in our case.
We're all really so heartbroken and fucked up. Or is it just me? Everything I've put myself through in the last couple of months has been so pointless, I see that now. All the hopeless thoughts and hopes, dreams and accusations have been so unnecessary. I've done nothing wrong, I shouldn't have blamed myself for anything. We both made no promises, we had a compromise. A compromise I took too literary. I kept telling myself that it would all get back to the way it used to be, that I would just have to wait. But it will never be the way it used to be.
Maybe, in time, we could start over. Just maybe. But 'maybe' is enough for now. I will try not to get too attached to this idea. It's a long time. People change. We both have and we both will change even more. The thing is, I know my value. But what you deserve is someone else, something more. I want you to be happy, even if it means that you're happy without me. Even if it means that you're happy with someone else. I would hate that person, but I would respect him at the same time. Respect him for making you happy.
But this doesn't mean I'm giving up.
Time will show. But for now - thank you for everything, you're very special to me.

Silence

It's been silent for a while. The shock, the pain is now gone. Although it still hurts, I can live with it. The silence continues, seems like it would never end. I've tried to stop it and I won't stop trying. But sometimes I get this terrible feeling, that it's all already over. And then I argue with myself. I tell myself that you would never do this and that I'm convinced It'll be ok in time. But honestly, I have no idea. I don't know what's going on in your head. I don't know if you still miss me, still think of me. I've got no guarantee for the future. All I can do is wait. But I'm tired from waiting. And what really scares me is that I doņ't trust myself, I really don't. Who knows what could happen. I can only imagine.
But I will never loose my faith in you. And all I have right now are the memories in my head and the promises you made when you left. I just have to believe.
That's all.
I wish it was that easy.